I Don't Do Crazy And Biased People Well

This has been a crazy week, even by my standards. I think every time I've stepped out in public I've been accosted by every degenerate on Earth.

(It's also possible the percentage hasn't really changed much, it's just being short-handed at work puts me out in public more than I'm used to.

Or perhaps I'm just more tired and my zero tolerance for bullshit is even less than zero these past few days.)

Monday was a nice day here, especially for the 1st of November. I think it hit almost hit 70 degrees. I decided to take my gourmet lunch, comprising of two bologna sandwiches (with real Kraft cheese slices), Pringles, Oreo cookies, and diet Coke outside to eat.

We have two picnic tables at the end of the sidewalk to nowhere at work. As I stepped outside I saw one was occupied by two young Vietnamese women who work at the Nail Salon, and the other was empty. So I hoofed it over to the empty table and spread out my feast.

Now I like these Vietnamese women (and the guys) who work at this Nail Salon. They're always friendly and polite. They also work their asses off with little time off. I've taken the time to get to know them and admire how family oriented they are. They're not only supporting themselves but usually supporting parents at home in Vietnam. When they're outside they're generally on the phone with family from there as well.

(Plus one of them was the Pretty Vietnamese lady, mentioned in a previous post in here somewhere, who seems to take great joy in feeding me from time to time. I also knew that when she saw what I was eating she'd be horrified, and would be whipping up some exotic Vietnamese meal for me later in the week. For some reason she feels I eat rather poorly and feels obligated to feed me with what she considers healthier type cuisine I guess.)

So I'm sitting there eating and they're chattering on their cell phones. Listening to them always amuses me when they're speaking to family. I don't understand a word they're saying, but it's all said at warp speed.

Things were progressing swimmingly until a slovenly woman approached the table I was sitting at and sat at the other side of it. She sat there staring at the two Vietnamese women with a scowl on her face. She then decided to open her mouth and try to talk to me. The following was the brief conversation that took place.

(Not word for word by any means, but close. It's been a few days but I remember it pretty well, and she pissed me off.)

Slovenly Woman: Just look at them!
Me: What?
Slovenly Woman: English people! English! It's America.
Me: I hate to break this to you lady but we also believe in freedom of speech, and there's no restrictions on the language.
Slovenly Woman: Haven't you heard of terrorism? They could be terrorists. They need to speak English.

Me: Are you serious?

Slovenly Woman: Them damn Muslims and 9-11, remember that?

Me: Yup. Vividly.

Slovenly Woman: Well that's why they need to speak English. We can't be too careful with foreigners

Me: So you think these two manicurist's are plotting to blow us up?

Slovenly Woman: You have to be careful. They could be saying anything.

Me: They speak English just fine.

Slovenly Woman: Well, they need to speak English all the time.

Me: Lady, they're talking to people who don't understand English. It's their parents native tongue. I suggest you get away from me. You're an idiot.

Slovenly Woman: You'll see some day. Terrorists don't speak English and look what they've done to us.

Me: Lady, do you remember 9-11? Those terrorists spoke English and were trained to fly planes in Florida prior to taking out the towers, pentagon, and the plane in Pennsylvania. 

Slovenly Woman: Yeah, right.

Me: Lady, get the fuck away from me. It's ignorant assholes like you who make me sick. Turn off Fox News and try to educate yourself. Remember Timothy McVeigh?

Slovenly Woman: Who?

Me: Just get away from me.

There were a few more choice words said, mostly from her, showing ever more ignorance, but she did leave. It's three days later and I'm still pissed at her and her ignorance.

Sometimes The Joy Fades All Too Quickly

As noted in a previous post I'm a smoker.

Along with that fact I also want to confess that it gives me great pleasure to bring a smile to a child's face. There's just something liberating about it.  Children seem to like me, apparently due to my being a smoker.

At least once a week a child will approach me at work, when I'm out on a smoke break trying to mind my own business, and away from people. I don't hang out with people when I'm smoking. I don't "chit chat."

But children are bold, and hopeful.

Invariably one will approach me and with the utmost respect ask me, "Sir, could you possibly spare a cigarette?"

I give them my brightest smile, and reply, "Why I sure could."

Their eyes light up and a smile spreads quickly, and widely, across their faces. As we stand there, me then ignoring the kid, and them staring at me in confusion I then smile a bit myself.

Usually a minute has to pass before the child realizes something is amiss though. They then ask when they're going to receive this promised fire stick. When informed that they're not going to get one their confusion deepens. They all state the same thing, "But you said I could have one."

Their confusion then heads completely south as I point out the error in this by replying, "Uh no, you asked if I could spare a cigarette. I can always spare a cigarette because I'm always abundantly stocked. Having the ability to spare one doesn't translate into actually giving one away, especially to children."

This ends anywhere from the kid slinking off muttering, or a mouthy little shit getting pissed and me telling him to get lost.

But the initial joy brought into their lives is priceless.

When In A Zone Doesn't Mean Actually Being In The Zone

I went to work yesterday expecting a mess. We had a promotion changeover and I knew the boss wouldn't have it wrapped up before I got in to work. But he did have much more done than I expected.

We had an enormous amount of things to toss out though, so I started bagging up crap to head to the dumpster.

On the second return trip from the dumpster I noticed a young mother with a baby in a stroller, and two toddler aged kids trailing behind her, heading to the mall entrance. She looked a little harried and as I approached her and the mall entrance I offered to get the door for her.

(And yes, I'm somewhat of a gentleman that way. As a bonus she was cute and I thought she might smell nice too, so in order to find out, holding the door seemed to be the best way to determine this.)

As I reached for the door I heard her say "Okay, great".... and I completely zoned out.

(This is a common phenomenon that happens to me and what can trigger it seems to vary wildly. My boss can be discussing some new policy, or work rule that I need to follow, or that I need to quit breaking and bam!.... I'm off in my own little world.

I'm off in La La Land wondering to myself when was the last time I took a piss. I then start to wonder if I need to take a piss. The answer is always no though. But I still have to determine exactly when the last piss occurred anyway. If it's been a sufficiently long enough time in the past I then pretend my bladder has super powers and no one on Earth has the bladder capacity I possess.

I then convince myself I can fly because somehow a full bladder induces levity powers. Then... well... I notice the boss is silent and just staring at me. I mumble that I need to take a piss and wander off to the bathroom to see if I can shake out a couple of drops.)

So yeah, it's not always okay and great being me.

Anyway, back to the door holding operation.

I heard those "Okay, great" words from her and I'm off and running a mental sprint of sorts. I know I'm staring at this girl, but not really seeing her. Those two words, "Okay, great" sounded off, somewhat tinny, and flat.

I wondered why didn't she just say thanks?

What does "Okay, great" really mean?

It didn't sound "okay" or "great" to me. I then tried to put myself in her shoes, mainly the ones pushing a baby in a stroller and two kids under the age of four at her heels. I can see where keeping eyes on this caravan could produce a less than stellar "Okay, great" sounding response.

But then I reconsidered. Maybe she's just exhausted and squeezing out those two words were an extraordinary effort for her. Perhaps, just perhaps, this was among the most "okay and greatest" of things ever performed for her. I was like some knight in shining armor and shit. She just couldn't properly convey it is all.

And then I had to reconsider again, because of that damn "knight in shining armor" thought. Maybe she thought she was royalty of some sort and I was a serf. I mean that "Okay, great" comment didn't sound particularly thankful or right to me anyway. It was just an obligatory remark to someone as lowly as me. She probably regretted saying it actually. I should have felt honored she chose to speak in my presence at all, her being so queenly and stuff.

And just as I was ready to consider another possibility the real world stepped back into play. She and the kiddies had gotten through the door, and she was staring at me and speaking to me. I then realized that her "Okay, great" comment had actually included a "thanks" at the end of it.

She had this strange look on her face and was asking me "Are you alright, mister?" Naturally the first thing that pops out of my mouth is "I'm fine, sorry about that, I've just got to take a piss."

To her credit she just nodded her head, then practically ran to get some distance between herself and me.

And dammit! While holding the door I was cognizant enough to verify she was cute but I don't really recall if she smelled nice. The best I can report is that she didn't smell bad. I'm sure I'd have picked up on that. Still a failure upon my part though.

She's Gone

It is with much glee sadness that I have to report that the Worthless Co-Worker no longer will be around to grace us with her presence at work, and the blog for that matter. Last Thursday was her last day of (actual) work, though that wasn't determined to be the case until Saturday.

Confused, huh?

This past week has been an entertaining comedy of errors at work. All the more entertaining because I was on the sideline watching this train wreck as it unfolded. Actually the past 12 months have been the most bizarre I've seen here in the 8+ years I've worked here. It comprised of the hiring of the Worthless Co-Worker, the realization within the first week of said hiring how woefully unprepared this 30-year-old woman was equipped to navigate life, much less a job. The mishandling of her by the boss throughout her tenure here, which culminated in her resigning, switching of dates several times of said resignation end date, the throwing of people under the bus, bad decisions, and ultimately the firing of Worthless Co-Worker on Saturday.

(You know there's something to be said for doing your job well though. While that bus I mentioned in the previous paragraph ran over three different people it missed me completely. Honestly I'm taking satisfaction in that fact with a small measure of smugness. It's a "I told you so" smugness on my part that I didn't even have to verbalize, but the boss is very well aware of regardless.)

The demise of the Worthless Co-Worker managed to cast  the boss in a bad light, his boss under the same bad light, to a smaller degree, and of course a pit of utter blackness for the Worthless Co-Worker. I literally shined. I was a beacon of sanity, safely tucked away on the sideline.

While I feel a bit bad about the boss being in hot water, all due to his being too nice of a guy, he knew better. He should have dealt with her antics long ago instead of coddling her and believing he could "straighten her out." You can't can't straighten out stupid and crazy. (For those in the dark there are plenty of posts about the Worthless Co-Worker here to catch up on.) It was an impossible task.

Anyway, back to Saturday.

All three of us were scheduled to work, with the boss opening, Worthless Co-Worker scheduled in at 11:00 am, and myself scheduled in at 1:00 pm. I didn't get to see the Worthless Co-Worker though. All the drama was wrapped up by 12:15 pm, or so.

Apparently 11:00 am rolls around, and no Worthless Co-Worker. No real surprise there, she's perpetually late. At 11: 20 am the boss calls her and asks where she's at. She informs him she's sitting in her car, in the parking lot, in the midst of a panic attack and/or mental breakdown. (Cue Twilight Zone theme here.) While she's definitely a mental case we're used to this drama act of hers. He tells her to get her ass to work.

Thirty minutes goes by, and you guessed it, no Worthless Co-Worker. He calls her again to hear she's on her way back. When he asks back from where, she replied that her glasses are broke, and she had to go somewhere to get them fixed. (These are the same glasses that have been broke for two weeks now. Along with that, the mall has three eye glass stores which could do a bang up job on eye glass repairs I'd imagine.)

He's pissed now. (Finally.)

She saunters in five minutes later, sans repaired eye glasses of course, and the boss starts in on her. Apparently she informs him to feel free to "write her up", she doesn't care. I think a light bulb finally (gasp!!) goes off and the boss antes up the pot and does one better by firing her on the spot. (That boy is finally learning something.) So she's gone.

I have to admit this isn't the time of year I prefer to be short handed at work though. Our company is woefully slow in the hiring process and if we don't have someone in place by mid November it'll be January before the boss will hire anyone. December is just way too busy for hiring and training quite frankly. I think I may have shed a tear now that I've seen my schedule on Black Friday go from 4:30 am to 1:30 pm to now stretch until 5:00 pm. Color me comatose already.

Blogging may have to take a bit of the backseat as well. Fewer days off and longer work days will be the order of the day for a couple of months. Not sure if I'll be posting less frequently but perhaps much shorter posts. That may actually relieve some of you folks though who wade through the mini-novels of spewage I subject you to normally. I guess bigger paychecks will be nice, but that isn't something I obsess over in all honestly. We'll see how this all pans out I guess.

Oh.... before I forget. Happy Halloween for those who think this day is a big deal, and stuff. May your tricks and treats be of the awesome variety.

Smoking Induces The Strangest Encounters

I'm a smoker. A relatively polite smoker at that. But a smoker nonetheless.

There are places I won't smoke, like the car, restaurants, or in someones face basically. I respect the fact that people aren't fond of second hand smoke. So I trudge outside and away from people. Invariably someone tracks me down though when I'm outside of the mall where I work to "chit chat."

Now if they're a fellow smoker there's no real harm in this. I can't kill them with my second hand smoke any worse than the first hand smoke they inflict upon themselves I figure. But to tell you the truth I don't go outside to socialize with anyone. I'm not a social smoker. I'm on the clock and just trying to inhale and exhale as quickly as possible and get back to work. The whole speaking and smoking at the same time thing slows the process down. I really have no interest in multi-tasking during the course of one of life's death inducing activities simple pleasures for me.

In essence I just want to be left alone to inflict this damage to myself.

Friday afternoon I exit the mall, make the right turn down the sidewalk, and trudge about 20 yards away from the mall entrance, only to be followed by someone. A short rotund old lady rose off the bus waiting bench her ass was warming to speak to me. A non-smoking short rotund old lady.

This sidewalk leads to... exactly nowhere. Exactly the place a polite smoker goes to smoke. (You know, away from short rotund old ladies as a matter of fact.)

As I see her waddling toward me I turn away from her and wander down another 5 yards to the end of the sidewalk to nowhere. I turn to see this hasn't deterred her advance upon me. It then hit me what she was after, or so I thought at the time, she wanted a cigarette. As she draws nearer I dig one out, and my lighter. I figured I'd just save some time, hand it over, and be able to smoke in peace.

Wrong move apparently, as the following conversation took place:

Short Rotund Old Lady: Put that damn thing away.
Me: Um, okay.
Short Rotund Old Lady: Nasty damn habit.

Me: What can I do for you ma'am?

Short Rotund Old Lady: Young man, don't you know those things can kill you?

Me: Well ma'am, you're not the first to tell me that.

Short Rotund Old Lady: I used to smoke myself. If I can quit anyone can. You need to quit smoking. Now I can't even stand the smell of those damn things any more.

Me: Is this what you came over here for?

Short Rotund Old Lady: Yes. 

Me: Well, thanks for the advice, but I've got to get back to work.

Short Rotund Old Lady: Are you going to quit?

Me: Ma'am, really, thank you for your concern, but no I'm not going to quit.

Short Rotund Old Lady: Don't you care about your health? Don't you have any will power?

Me: Ma'am I'm sure your intentions are very good here, but I don't know you, I'm not bothering anyone, unless they decide to chase me down and give me a lecture, so I think it's just best if we part ways now.

Short Rotund Old Lady: So now you're scared of an old lady, huh?

Me: Okay ma'am, my boss is a pretty understanding guy so I guess we can discuss this a little more if you really want to. I can deal with crazy intrusive people when necessary.

Short Rotund Old Lady: I'm not crazy, and whatever that other word is either!

Me: Ma'am, you got off a bench that is located about 10 yards from the mall entrance, followed me approximately 35 yards away from said bench, to intrude upon my time. My much preferred alone time and much preferred alone spot away from people who don't like the smell and second hand smoke of cigarettes. Now.....

(And then I stop and remind myself she's an old lady. Just walk away I tell myself, walk away. 


As I start to step around her she grabs my arm.)

Short Rotund Old Lady: Don't you care about your health? What about the cost smoking puts on our health care system? We all have to pay for this nasty habit you know. I'm a senior citizen who has trouble paying for insurance as it is. This habit costs all of us.

(Fuck, fuck, fuck.... ah fuck it.)

Me: Ma'am, I'm going to leave you with a thought about the cost of health care. One just as valid as the one you're trying to shove up my ass. There are studies that have shown obesity costs us far more than smoking does. I'm willing to make a deal with you. I'm going to guess that you're approximately 75 pounds overweight. When you lose 50 of those pounds come back and see me. I'll quit smoking and we can crusade together hitting up every buffet in the state railing against the people who fill up more than 3 plates of food. We can wreak havoc and mayhem stealing their plates, blocking the buffet line, overturning the dessert bar, what ever it takes, all in the name of caring about their health and the obesity problem plaguing this country. Is that a deal?

Short Rotund Old Lady: What? Huh? What are you talking about?

Me: Nothing, I'm just talking about my need to get back to work, and away from busybodies.

Short Rotund Old Lady: You just don't.... what are you....? I'm confused.

Me: Yes you are, but have a nice day regardless.

So now I'm not only a non-social smoker but an asshole as well. I reduced myself from six feet tall to about 6 inches tall in stature in less than 5 minutes. Man, I know better than this. If this person had been my age, or younger, there would be absolutely no remorse, and probably harsher words said in all reality. I'm hoping I was just tired though due to only getting about 4 hours of sleep the night before. I'm usually polite and deferring to senior citizens. Even crazy ones. Damn.   

Just Some Random Crap Not Involving Holiday Cheer, Or The Worthless Co-Worker For A Change

I hear you folks, really I do as you traverse the mall lamenting the fact that stores are decked out for Christmas already and Halloween hasn't gone by yet. It is ridiculous. (I'm somewhat proud of the fact we don't do this until the day before Thanksgiving.)

But when you raise your voices and decide to tell the peon who works in a particular store your thoughts about this travesty you're wasting your time. They're simply following rules and store policy. Berating them makes you look like an idiot. If this is a true beef you have may I make a suggestion here?

(Of course I can, it's my blog.)

Simply ask for the address and/or phone number to their corporate headquarters. Convey this message to those @$$holes. They're the ones calling the shots. Believe me, we're behind you 100%.

While voicing, or writing your displeasure, there are a few other things you could mention as well. We'd absolutely love you to pieces if you'd let them know how much the following is ridiculous as well:

1) Black Friday should be abolished. Not the entire day, just the ridiculous start of the day. Trust me, getting up at 3:30 am in the morning to be at the store by 4:30 am isn't something I really look forward to. Since we're open 12 hours a day as it is that should be plenty of time to get your shopping addiction in for deals. We might even be capable of pulling off a smile or two that day if we didn't have to get up so damn early in the day. Plus people die that day from your ridiculous stampede for deals, which really aren't deals anyway, every damn year. And the people who camp out all night in front of a store? Total fruit loops of the highest degree.

2) Holiday music doesn't need played from November 1st through the first week of January. While you may wax nostalgic about hearing a Christmas tune from long ago you haven't heard in awhile we're shell shocked by the 2nd week of November.

3) The twelve days of Christmas also need abolished as well. Those twelve days are the ones leading up to December 25th in the retail world. You know the ones, where we're open 18-20 hours a day because you don't possess the ability to get your shopping done in the normal 12 hours a day we're usually open. We have no sympathy for you. As I once asked my parents, two full time working parents with 5 children mind you, if they ever had trouble getting their shopping done back in the dark ages when stores were only open 8 hours a day, and rarely on weekends, the answer was no. It can be done. Get your shit together.

4) Parking. We're ordered to park miles away as far as possible from the mall during this period. While there is validity behind this, because after all, we're trying to fleece you out of as much money as possible this time of the year, you could also raise one tiny issue for us here as well. Shoppers rarely get the "good" parking spots anyway. We have a rather large population of mall walkers, who never shop the mall, they simply walk the mall. Trust me, we have them identified. How much sense is it to allow people who want to walk, park the closest to the mall entrances, so they don't have to fucking walk. We'd love to see their asses towed away.

In closing, raise your voices to the right people. But to tell you the truth the right people are essentially you, the inept and spoiled shopper. If you weren't sheep none of this would occur in the first place. You're the ones who enabled this "corporate greed" you wail about by your actions, and/or inaction. Feel free to cast away your cloak of hypocrisy. Or just simply get your shit together. If you're unable to manage that, keep your mouth shut around us, we're really not interested in hearing about the "corporate greed" you're actually feeding.