Fox News Once Again Exposed As Incompetent and Biased

Bill O'Reilly and Fox Faux News saw the need to prove the protests in Wisconsin against Gov. Walker and his push to eliminate collective bargaining rights were violent. He presented a video which did show some violence and pushing by protesters. The video also showed palm trees in the background as well. The last I heard it's awfully hard to get palm trees to grow in Madison, WI though. (Gotta love the protesters sense of humor in the above picture to ridicule Fox Faux News and O'Reilly today in Madison.)

Naturally Fox Faux News also doesn't believe in global warming so to pass this off as a true and factual video blows that concept out of the water as well. I guarantee you that no one could argue global warming if Madison had palm trees lining the streets there. I guess they figure it's a fair trade off to lie and malign the protesters and accept global warming as a truth.

Some People Can't Just Leave Things Well Enough Alone

It's no secret that the mall marketing bitch person and I don't get along very well at all. I know I posted about a run-in she and I had previously. Perplexing to me is that post is nowhere to be found now to reference to. I don't know if I somehow deleted it or if Blogger somehow ate it.

As a recap she decided that in addition to her marketing duties for the mall she's also in charge of individual store operations as well. As we were shorthanded throughout the Christmas shopping season there were several 12-14 hour work days worked alone in our store. She decided breaks weren't allowed and much to her dismay I didn't bow down to her self delusional authority in this area. She pushed the issue and ended up getting in some hot water when she ran to the mall manager to complain about me. (She forgot there were witnesses to our encounter in December and her version of the confrontation didn't mesh well with mine, nor with the people who witnessed it.)

This thing just hasn't died out yet. In an effort to save face she has told anyone who actually listens to her, her version of the encounter and how she "put me in my place." Now for the most part the people she's told this story to is the maintenance and janitorial staff and other store staff at the opposite end of the mall from our store location. (Her version wouldn't fly at our end of the mall, too many witnesses saw the encounter.)

The mall is an interesting place to work and crap like this just keeps getting recycled. Every few days since we had this run-in someone stops into the store to let me know how her version of the story is evolving. The latest version is that she holds my job in her hands and I'm at her mercy to keep my job. She may rival the ex-Worthless Co-Worker in the stupidity department. I'll say it's been an amusing side show over the last couple of months.

No one actually believes her version of the story as most of the people she talks to know me as well, if not better, than they know her. Contrary to how I may appear in here at times with work issues I'm well liked and even tempered for the most part. I just simply don't tolerate bullshit.

Very few people like this girl in the mall. She's always on some weird power trip and used to getting her way. In reality she's at best inadequate at her job. She gets away with that for one reason only. She's 25-years-old and "hot." Every guy that works in the mall wants to see her. She reduces most of them into drooling babbling idiots. While most of them acknowledge she's a snobby bitch, her looks trump this to many of them. They just simply want to ogle when she walks by.

I'm a few years beyond the drooling and babbling stage when it comes to a pretty face. She's just simply an insecure, self entitled bitch who relies on her looks to get her by in life. Sadly, in many cases this works.

This amusing sideshow moved center stage yesterday. The mall manager stopped into our store to talk about "a problem" that needs resolved. Apparently this girl really holds a grudge. She informed the mall manager that I somehow interfere with her doing her job and that I intimidate and harass her whenever she comes to our end of the mall.

Oddly enough I've only seen this girl one time since we had our little run-in last December. That one time was at least a month ago when I decided to punish myself and go to the other end of the mall to the food court to eat lunch one day. She was heading in my direction and when she saw me approaching her she abruptly turned around and scurried back to her office to avoid me. I haven't seen her at our end of the mall in two months.

I informed the mall manager of this and told him maybe he should check with the other stores at our end of the mall if he wanted to verify this. I told him she's been sorely missed, by a lot of the guys who work at this end of the mall, because they miss seeing "eye candy." Her absence at this end of the mall hasn't gone unnoticed to say the least. Since he's been out of the loop I also informed him of her stories she's told about this incident that occurred in December and that the real reason she hasn't ventured to our end of the mall is that she knows most people are on to her bullshit and she's embarrassed to be seen down here.

He went off to canvas the other stores to verify her absence, then stopped back into the store to inform me he no longer had a problem with me. He had another problem to deal with now as apparently no one recalls seeing her in quite some time at this end of the mall. He also talked to a couple of janitors who told him about her bragging about trying to get me fired as well.

We talked for a few more minutes and the gist of the conversation was that I'll probably not be seeing her again in the mall, at least as someone who's employed by the mall. I was decent enough to tell him that firing her wasn't absolutely necessary if he could just simply tell her to keep her trap shut, do her job, and that I couldn't care less if she comes to this end of the mall because she means nothing to me and has no affect on me. I don't interact with people who I dislike unless they choose to speak to me first. Intimidating or harassing petulant little girls isn't my style.

I don't believe he thinks she's worth the trouble to keep employed though. We'll see what happens.

Bow-legged Shuffle And A Missed Ride

Kids of every generation wear clothes that befuddle us old folks. Weirdly dyed hair, piercing of body parts not meant to be pierced occur, tattoos that are a bit much, and other oddities. For the most part I just shake my head in amusement quite frankly.

(Although apparently I'm not always amused. I remember my son coming home one night about 8 years ago when he was nineteen with blue hair. I do recall not saying anything though. As he walked into the living room and glanced over at me I apparently didn't hide my dismay very well. He also misinterpreted my look of dismay as one of anger because his first words were, "Dad, don't worry, it washes right out and I'm going to wash it out right now." I never uttered a word in response. I can say I think back on that night with amusement now though.)

There is one fad, or style, if you will, that seems to defy running its course though. (The use of the term style is used loosely here. The term running plays a role here though.) That's the wearing of pants hanging down somewhere between the bottom half of one's ass and one's knees. 

It seems like the first time I saw young guys running around with their pants hanging off their asses was about 10 years ago. I remember thinking how ridiculous this latest "fad" or "style" was and that it couldn't last long. Apparently it has endured though because young guys still run around wanting to show us their boxers, or lack thereof of undergarments.

Watching them try to walk a straight line amuses me. They all invariably have to wear a belt cinched tightly to keep the pants somewhat held above their knees and can't actually walk placing their feet directly in front of them. Their feet have to shuffle forward, placed about a foot to the outside of their shoulders, to keep their pants from falling down around their ankles. Trying to run had to be hilarious, but until Sunday I hadn't seen that feat attempted.

I was standing outside Sunday at work taking a smoke break. The mall exit I do this by also serves as the bus stop exit. As I was standing out there the city bus was there and it was the last bus of the day coming/leaving the mall. As the bus started to pull away a young guy burst out of the mall and started running after the bus. At first I thought there was something wrong with the kid and he had some kind of disability by the way he was running. His legs were splayed way out to the right and left of him as he "shuffled" after the bus. His pants were losing altitude as the bus faded from my view, as well as his view. He finally gave up the chase, with his pants now located below his knees. 

I wasn't laughing just yet though. Plenty of other people were though. He then started to shuffle back to the mall trying to pull his pants back up. This effort caused me to laugh. He kept yanking at them and they wouldn't come up over his knee area. Apparently the belt was cinched so tight he had to stop and release the belt buckle, then the pants nose dived around his ankles, with him then holding the belt in his hand as it slipped out of the belt loops in his pants completely. I had tears running down my face as he stood there with his pants down around his ankles and a belt dangling in one hand.

As he commenced his walk of shame shuffle back to the mall entrance I noticed he was a tad upset. Missing the last bus I surmised could do that I thought. Compounding that with the fact that I was still laughing encouraged him to threaten me with an "ass kicking" as well as he shuffled up to the mall entrance. Stupid kid. All this did was to get me laughing much harder at him. When I informed him threats from a kid who couldn't keep his pants up weren't to be taken seriously he muttered a few curse words at me and went back into the mall.

Gee, I sure hope he found a ride home.

So I Dated Loni Anderson

I got a little more exposure to the new guy we hired last Monday yesterday. The first couple of weeks of a new hire's life is one I'm not exposed to much quite frankly. For one, the newbie works exclusively with the boss for training purposes. Two, the boss doesn't want the newbie to pick up my bad habits, at least immediately.

He seems like a likable kid, and has a girlfriend who works in the mall as well. Yesterday was a slow day in the mall. Freezing rain kept most sane people off the road and at home. The boss, newbie hire, and I were just shooting the breeze when the newbie's girlfriend comes into the store on her break.

Gullibility ensued.

She walks up to me and introduces herself as Loni, states how much she's heard about me, and how pleased she is to meet me. Nice girl, but very gullible, along with newbie hire being gullible as well. The conversation is as follows:

Newbie Girlfriend: (walking up to me) Hi! I'm Loni, (newbie hire's girlfriend)
Me: Hi back. Weird, you're only the second person named Loni I've met in my life.
Newbie Girlfriend: Really?
Me: Yup.
Boss: Hey JPT, why don't you tell (Newbie Hire and Loni) about the first Loni you met.
Me: I don't think they'd be interested quite frankly.
Boss: C'mon, sure they would.
Newbie Girlfriend: Sure we would! I can't believe I'm the only second Loni you've ever met.
Newbie Hire: You might as well tell her about the first Loni, she 's just going to wonder how it's possible you've only met one before her.
Me: Huh.
Boss: Go ahead JPT. They'll be amazed by this one.

(Now the boss is just goading me on and wants a joke to be played here. I'm more than willing to play along at this point.)

Me: Well, the first Loni I ever met was Loni Anderson.
Newbie Girfriend: Are you kidding me?
Newbie Hire: Seriously?
Me: Wow, I'm impressed you know who that is. I figured you two were too young to know who that is.
Boss: Tell them the whole story.
Newbie Hire: Whole story?
Boss: He didn't just meet her. He knows her very well.
Newbie Girlfriend: You actually know her?
Me: Yup.
Newbie Girlfriend: Oh my gawd! You actually know a celebrity?
Boss: He sure does.
Newbie Girlfriend: That is awesome! How'd you ever meet her?
Me: Well, she's from Iowa (not really) and I lived there for several years (really) and we met at the state fair back in 1981.
Newbie Hire: Loni Anderson and you met at a fair?
Boss: They did, he's got pictures to prove it.
Newbie Hire: Seriously?
Me: Yup. She was doing some TV promo and I ended up getting a picture taken with her while she was there.
Newbie girlfriend: So you ended up being friends with her because of a picture?
Boss: Just tell them the whole story. You guys will be amazed.
Newbie girlfriend: There's more?
Me: I guess there's a little more.
Newbie Hire: Like what?
Boss: He dated Loni Anderson for almost a month.
Newbie Girlfriend: You've got to be kidding!
Me: It was only for about three weeks.
Newbie Hire: You dated Loni Anderson? How did a picture turn into a date?
Me: It wasn't just a picture. She's a huge fan of ferris wheel rides. I ran the ferris wheel that year at the fair.
Newbie Hire: You worked at the fair?
Me: That's just one of the jobs I've held. I gotta tell you, carnies get a bad rap.
Newbie Girlfriend: You were a carny?
Me: Not a full fledged one, but I operated the ferris wheel that year and Loni Anderson and I talked for a bit while she was waiting in line for a ferris wheel ride.
Newbie Girlfriend: That is so bizarre!
Me: It is, now that I think about it.
Newbie Hire: So how did this all turn into you dating her.
Me: When she got off the ferris wheel she asked me when I got off work. Jokingly, I told her any time she wanted me to. She then asked me if I'd like to go to dinner with her that evening and I said yes. That's basically how it started.
Newbie Hire: I'm not sure I believe this.
Me: Whatever.
Boss: I can tell you it's true. He has several pictures of them together doing a lot of things and in a lot of different places.
Newbie Girlfriend: So what happened?
Me: Well she was between a marriage and before hooking up with Burt Reynolds, who's an asshole by the way. I was simply a fling for her. A boy toy if you will. You have to remember I was only 21 and she was about 14 years older than me.
Newbie Hire: So, did you and her....?
Me: C'mon now. That's not the kind of thing I'd talk about.
Boss: They sure did!!
Me: Thanks boss.
Newbie Girlfriend: Wow, just wow! That had to be an exciting time in your life I'll bet.
Me: Some would say intoxicating.
Newbie Girlfriend: So what happened to end this?
Me: Burt Reynolds.
Newbie Girlfriend: No wonder you think he's an asshole!
Me: No wonder indeed.

That pretty much ended the conversation. Newbie hire and his girlfriend decided to go eat lunch. The boss and I chuckled quite a bit while Newbie hire was gone. I'm sure one of these days I'll have to explain to these gullible people that while it's true I've only met one other Loni in my life, it was my ex-sister-in-law, who was not Loni Anderson by any means. We'll see how long we can string them along though before that happens.

A Twitter Trend Is Probably To Blame

Why I decided to wake up at 4:12 am is a mystery. What force of nature would cruelly interrupt a blissful slumber like that? Unfortunately once awakened, after getting more than 4 hours of sleep, I learned long ago not to fight it and to simply get up. I'm not going to fall back to sleep.

But there had to be a reason for this awakening.

Was it the euphoria of the Packer victory last night?

Nah. While the Packers are one of my favorite teams I'm not obsessed with sports.

Was it the fact that there are a few dishes sitting in the sink in need of washing?

Again, nah, that isn't anything extraordinary here. I think one bowl, a dinner plate, and two spoons in need of washing can't possibly be responsible. I just can't drum up any guilt for unwashed dishes.

Was it the fact that I may have consumed one too many diet Coke's prior to going to bed last night?

This may be closer to the truth, but again, not exactly something new. But definitely something to consider. But it just didn't feel right.

I fired up the computer and perused through the sports section. Nothing overly exciting happening there. I read a few financial pages, hoping boring crap like that would tire me out. Total failure for that thought process.

I glanced at Twitter and finally hit upon the reason for being awakened. One of the "Top Trends" listed was "RIP JUSTIN BIEBER."

I have to tell you euphoria set in.

Not that I wished the kid dead by any means. I knew it was a hoax without investigating it. But there was a great amount of amusement on my part to see little teeny bopper girls, who should be asleep themselves, all wrapped up in the trend.

But I looked at this as a win/win situation for me today.

One win would be if the kid was actually dead the mall would be empty of air-headed annoying teeny bopper girls today when I go to work. They'd all be sitting at home in their bedrooms staring blankly at their Justin Bieber posters crying their little eyes out.

The other win, which I'm sure Bieber would be more on board with, is that this hoax of a trend would still keep these little piss ant air-headed girls out of the mall as well today. I'm positive they'll stay on the computer venting their wrath about the cruelty of this hoax all day long.

Either way, it's a win for me. So Justin, dead or alive, have a restful and peaceful day. I'm hoping the same for myself.

Black Friday Recap

I survived Black Friday and for the most part annoyance free. There was one incident, but we'll get to that in a bit.

The fake money prank was fun. (You'll have to scroll a bit to see what that was about if you're wondering.) The reactions were random and the best ones were the people who were pissed off when they realized the money they bent over to pick up wasn't real. I was told I missed the best one though when some guy bent over and picked up a fake fifty dollar bill and read the back of the bill which read "Smile For The Camera." Apparently he went into full "Linda Blair mode Ala The Exorcist", swiveling his head back and forth seeking out the camera. He ran down a security guard demanding to retrieve the "picture" taken. Poor clueless security guard was lost.

I did manage to upset one lady though. I was too tired to care and she was an idiot. A demanding clueless idiot at that.

We were swamped, and being short-handed didn't make it very easy to please everyone. Most people were pretty good about it though. Accept for the idiot lady. My getting up at 3:30 am probably didn't help matters out either.

Anyway.

She enters the store at about 10:00 am and I greet her and start to help her out. Within a minute her cell phone rings, she checks it, and announces that this is a call she has to take.

Whatever.

I start to back away and she grabs my arm and tells me this will just take a second. So I stopped, thinking that this conversation will be short. And not so much. My guess is she had a daughter on the other end of the phone and they start talking about what they've been buying so far that day.

I walk away at that point because hey, we're swamped.

In the middle of helping another customer this idiot lady comes up to me and decides she needs helped again since she's now off the phone. (About 5 minutes have passed.) I remained polite and told her I'd be with her as soon as possible. Apparently this wasn't good enough for her.

Idiot Lady: I'm back!
Me: I'll be with you in a minute.
Idiot Lady: I was in the store before she was though.
Me: You sure were.
Idiot Lady: So where were we?

Me: Well ma'am, you were on your cell phone, and now I'm helping someone else. I'll be with you as soon as possible.

Idiot Lady: But I was in here before her, and I'm tired, and want to get my shopping done and get home.

Me: You and a million others ma'am. I'll be with you soon.

Idiot Lady: But....

Me: Just go away.

Idiot Lady: What?!?

Me: You'll have to wait your turn. 

Idiot Lady: You don't want my business apparently.

Me: Honestly, I don't care. You're rude and your sense of entitlement is beyond ridiculous. Feel free to leave the store, or wait your turn.

So she left.

I turned and started to apologize to the lady I was helping and she, along with about two dozen other people in the store, starting to clap their hands together and laugh.

The best part about this is the boss was just arriving at work and he thought he was getting a standing ovation for just showing up.  He takes a bow, not understanding what just occurred. This group of people made the next 30 minutes or so in the store a lot of fun. They were totally great to be around and help out.

So Black Friday wasn't the total nightmare I was fearing it was going to end up being.

I'm Going To Make The Best Out Of Working Black Friday

As some of you know I'm less than thrilled with working on Black Friday. Not the work itself, but the fact that I'll be getting up at 3:30 am to cater to shoppers who should still be in bed themselves.

But I'm going to make the best of it.

I'm actually going to pass on a little Christmas cheer as well.

Because, as you all know, Christmas is all about giving. Pictured below is a twenty dollar bill. I'm going to strategically place these throughout the mall for people to find. (Along with some ten and fifty dollar bills.)

I'm going to bask in the happiness of the lucky shoppers who will discover these bills as they stampede through the mall in search of getting their loved ones the perfect gift.

I can see the smiles I'm going to be bringing to about 15 lucky people who find these bills.

Of course there's a catch. As you stroll through this post you'll see for yourselves.

As they bend over to pick up these bills thinking how lucky they are they're bound to flip it over to see:

But they all will hear a voice say "Merry Christmas, and please dispose of them properly."

(Well, some of them will, if I'm not busy helping the customers stampeding through our store as these are discovered.)

The Before You Forget, You Better Write About It Post

I'm getting a bit forgetful.

Actually that's not entirely true. Males have the forgetful gene installed and wired at birth. It's a defense mechanism of sorts. It's used to irritate the female species in our lives.

Prior to falling ill early last week there were a couple of posts involving work.

One being the asshole customer who refused to accept the terms of our return/exchange policy.

The other involving the (ex)Worthless Co-Worker.

The asshole customer:

I predicted he'd be in within two days to make the purchase he refused to make during his illustrious demonstration of stupidity. He waited six days. Naturally I wasn't there to see it. The boss said the asshole didn't utter one single word throughout the transaction. Meh -- I don't have time for babies so I'm glad I missed it, somewhat anyway.

I did see him yesterday though as he walks the mall daily. I gave him a wave and smile. He started to wave back until he recognized who it was he was starting to wave back to. I think he hit himself in the balls when he jerked his hand back down.

The (ex) Worthless Co-Worker:

My forgetfulness isn't totally the reason for the delay in posting about her. I was hoping she'd pop back in because I didn't get to hear all of her sordid story when she came in originally to beg for her job back.

Her litany of complaints:

1) He sucks in bed. My only input here was to defend the guy. She didn't appreciate it when I told her perhaps he thought she had a dick. Usually there's sucking involved was my reasoning. My only other question was to ask her how long it took her to figure out that "he sucks in bed." Her reply was, "the very first day." Yup -- she did certainly crawl into bed with a guy she's never met in person before, on the very first day she met him.

2) He's not wealthy. She seriously bought into that line apparently. He promised to buy her a Lexus and she finally figured out that wasn't going to happen. (See next item, for further clarification.)

3) They met at a hotel, and they spent her first three days there because he wanted to make her arrival in New Mexico "special." This was first thought of, by her, as pretty special, and a sign of his wealth. On the fourth day he took her to his home. His home has wheels since it's a mobile home. So yeah, his wealthy status took a hit there. (Although I've heard the 1974 Marshfield mobile home was cutting edge in the day, apparently the original worn out orange shag carpeting turned her off.)

(Oh... and before someone decides to be offended... I really don't have anything against mobile homes, but residing in one doesn't shout out "wealth" to me.)

And no, she still hasn't run away from the guy at this point. Her reasoning involved thinking that since he's recently divorced this is just a minor setback. The mansion is still in play in her mind. (And probably the Lexus too, but that's just a guess on my part.)

4) Apparently he never answers his land line. His justification for this was because he didn't want to speak to anyone and take time away from spending time with her. This was naturally considered sweet at first, until she answered the phone at some point when he wasn't around. Hello. Bill collector here.

5) All of his friends are creepy and unemployed. Since he was off the entire time she was there I'm thinking he is as well. This part of the conversation was missed by me though. Damn customer's who wanted help interfered here.

So she finally fled and came back here. From what I've gathered not too much wiser though. She's going back online to meet her next "spiritual husband."

It's a shame she hasn't stopped back in though. Some of this is second hand information gathered from the boss. He's the one who got to actually talk to her and I was too busy to catch all of this tale of woe.

Maybe she'll stop back in some day, when we're not as busy the day she did last weekend. I'd certainly like that to happen because she's hilariously stupid and shares everything. My blog would appreciate it as she's been handy blog fodder. Time will tell I guess.  

Guess Who's Looking For A Job

There's a saying that all good things must come to an end.

That was brought home "with a vengeance" yesterday for me.

There are probably many of you sitting there reading this and saying to yourselves, "No surprise to me."

I've posted many different times about this situation here. Many of you have read along with the tales spun here and have had to think, "How does this person manage to tie their shoes correctly, let alone keep a job with their stupidity displayed so often."

You may have even thought with the last post written here that that has to be the icing on the cake. This person has just gone too far, and needs to be unemployed, maybe even institutionalized.

I shudder to even contemplate the process to find new employment, especially this time of year. For one, it's getting cold out there. I'd hate the thought of running around in the cold begging for a job, or maybe even begging to keep/get my old job back.

(Because yes, there was begging involved, even some tears.)

Thank God, I'm not writing about myself here though.

(Although I'm wondering how many comments I'll be receiving consoling me on the loss of a job by people who skim through here and have failed to read this far.

And seriously,

I'm awesome at my job, despite the fact I can't tie my shoes, and the need to be institutionalized.)

The (ex) Worthless Co-Worker is back in town after quitting here a little more than two weeks ago.

After selling off most of her worldly possessions and running off to New Mexico to be with her "spiritual husband" she's slunk her way back into town, perhaps a little wiser in the way of the world. Perhaps, being the key word here. I wouldn't hold my breath on that one though. She is incredibly stupid.

Apparently "Mr. Wonderful" isn't so wonderful after all. So she's back in town, broke, which isn't new frankly, and homeless, somewhat anyway. She's staying with a sister apparently.

She popped into the store yesterday afternoon with her tale of woe. We were busy so I didn't catch all of it myself. The boss was the recipient of her rambling story of her life over the last couple of weeks. She's a crazy bitch, that one.

She figured since she's "only" been gone for two weeks she should get her job back. In her opinion we should, or the company rather, just consider the last two weeks as vacation time. She feels she should be allowed to just pick up where she left off basically.

When this delusional thought of hers was debunked by the boss the tears flowed freely. There were two of us crying actually. One with utter despair, mine with laughter. Her inability to grasp reality was just too much. I did manage to wait until after she left to display my tears though. I'm not a totally heartless bastard after all.

Naturally, there's a moral to this story. Maybe, just maybe, a woman shouldn't run off halfway across the country with plans to marry a guy they've never actually met in person. It's certainly something most people would think would be wise. Oddly enough, I can see her doing this again though. She's not "most people" in any sense of the word(s). She is actually that stupid to repeat this again, as far as I can see.

So while she's not coming back here to work, I did implore her to keep in touch. She's handy for blog fodder after all.  

Maybe Customer Service Isn't My Forte

There are days I despise people.

I don't go out of my way to do this, but inevitably, and especially this time of year, it happens.

I can only play "nice" for so long with dimwitted, demanding, and rude customers. It doesn't help that this particular customer was a mall walker as well. I'm pretty sure I've let my feelings be known in here about them previously.

A man entered the store yesterday looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. Kind of sweet when you think about it. Usually guys wait until the week before Christmas, if not the day before Christmas, to do their shopping. This guy was shopping approximately six weeks in advance of Christmas.

(This is pretty much where my nice thoughts about this guy end though.)

Anyway.

He finds something he thinks she'll like. I've answered all of his questions about said product as far as features and benefits. Then we get to the part of the conversation where he hits my list of people to despise.

Dimwitted Customer: What's your return policy?
Me: We have a 30 day return and/or exchange policy. Unopened and unused you can get your money back. Opened or used we will do a one time exchange.
Dimwitted Customer: This is a Christmas gift. The 30 days won't work for me. Don't you have a policy that takes that into account?

Me: Yes, we do.

Dimwitted Customer: Okay, I'll take it then.

Me: Wait a minute sir. Let me explain how that works. From November 15th through December 24th we allow returns and exchanges on items sold through the end of January. Today's the 13th.

Dimwitted Customer: You people are all the same! Always trying to rip me off!

Me: Excuse me?

Dimwitted Customer: You heard me. Stick this (item) up your ass.

Me: Sorry sir. That particular orifice is exit only.

Dimwitted Customer: What?

Me: Let's try this again. Come back on Monday, the item will still be 30% off, and it will then fall under the Christmas return/exchange policy. 

Dimwitted Customer: I don't have time to do that. Why don't you quit being an asshole about this. I know you can bend the rules on this.

Me: I'm a bit perplexed sir. Not about the whole asshole part, but your lack of time. You're a fucking mall walker. You're in the mall every damn day.

Dimwitted Customer: You can't talk to me like that!

Me: Sorry sir. But yes I can, you opened that door when you told me to stick this up my ass. You then proceeded to walk through that door by calling me an asshole. Right now I could give two shits less if you ever buy anything from us.

Dimwitted Customer: I want to talk to someone in charge here.

Me: Not a problem. See that guy cringing back by the cash register. He's the manager, and excellent at hiding when people like you decide to come in here and be insulting. His one redeeming quality though is he has rabbit ears and has heard this entire conversation.

Dimwitted Customer: We'll see about that. I'm going to have your job.

Me: Good luck with that, sir.

Dimwitted Customer: Fuck you!

Me: Yes sir. He's right there, go talk to him, we're done talking now.

So the guy stomps off to whine to the boss and I start helping another customer. I do take the time to shoot a grin at the boss though as this guy is approaching him. I know he's pissed. But not at me. He's a little nicer than I am with people like this, but doesn't tolerate them either. Our company backs us 100% as well, under these circumstances. The boss just simply would like me to tell a customer like this to leave, and I probably should, but people like this really need to be told they're idiots as far as I'm concerned.

I don't need to be worshipped by any means, but if you want respect, you've got to show some as well.

A few minutes later the guy leaves the store, unhappily. He heard the same thing from the boss, albeit a bit nicer.

We now have a bet on the guy showing up on Monday to buy this gift for the wife. I say he's going to, the boss thinks not. But this douche will and the boss will be the one to benefit. The guy won't buy anything from me of course, so the boss will earn a little commission for himself when the guy does make the purchase.

And how do I know this?

Simple, this guy is truly the asshole in this equation. I've seen him ream the little coffee shop girls in the past when he's walking the mall and demanding they have coffee for him, prior to them even being open, or ready, for business. So as he's doing his laps around the mall and gets to the coffee shop when they're actually open for business he always gets his cup of coffee.

It's probably a damn good thing I don't work there. I'm not saying I'd refuse him a cup of coffee though. He'd probably be wearing one if it were me. Because I'm thoughtful like that, and stuff.

If Only Muslim Extremists Had A Therapist

Catchy title, huh?

I'm sure this post is going to offend some anal retentive type person. Just a word to take note of in the title:

"Extremists"

Anyway, on to my offending way.

You Muslim Extremists, or Islamic Terrorists if you prefer, are really a bunch of dysfunctional dimwits. If your beliefs and actions weren't so damn appalling they'd be laughable. You are the most insecure segment of the human race possibly. No doubt your lack of intelligence and your upbringing has a lot to do with it.

Seriously I can see some reasons why you're so fucked up. Not necessarily to the point of your violent beliefs though. A blind man can see plenty of things that would rob the male species of your culture of any brains and hope for any semblance of a normal life.

One example is the turban, or whatever that thing you wear on your head is actually called. Smothering a brain that is clearly as deficient as yours is never a good idea. Plus you guys seem to wear this on blazing hot days, trudging through the desert, planning your next act of terrorism. I guess no one has told you that hats hold heat in. Your brains have to be fried.

You also dress like a girl. Those robes can't do much for the male psych I'd imagine. Grow a pair of balls and put on some pants. Maybe if you'd quit dressing like a girl you wouldn't have the overwhelming urge to perform violent acts to prove your manhood.

And your intelligence? Simply laughably sad. Who really thinks becoming a suicide bomber is a good career enhancer? You die, killing innocent people, you morons. Who in their right mind straps a bomb to their chest and thinks that's a wise move?

And you know what?

Let me fill you in on a little secret.

There aren't any virgins waiting for you, much less forty of them, when you die. Your inability to get laid on Earth isn't going to make a difference in death. You know, take off the dress, and maybe you would get laid while you're alive and the promise of sex with another corpse, or forty of them, for that matter, wouldn't seem so appealing to you. If you need laid that bad I'll give you a few bucks for a prostitute, or a camel.

Stupid bastards anyway.

The Most Interesting Man In The World Indeed

I'm sure all of you a lot of you a few of you have seen the commercial touting "The Most Interesting Man In The World", at one time or another. He's schilling for some type of beverage I'm pretty sure. Wine or beer is my guess because the actual marketing message is lost to me.

Don't get me wrong, the commercials are somehow compelling to me. But not so far as the product the company is trying to promote. (For all I know the shit he's trying to get you to buy is liquid Ex-Lax.)

You have this old bearded dude generally sitting in a bar booth flanked by two hot young chicks hanging on his every word. That's what fascinates me quite frankly.

I think I could do that, sans the grey beard, and if I wanted to spend the money to get two hot young chicks plastered enough to hang all over me and listen to me spout a couple of pithy comments, thought up by a marketing team.

I think I could pull off being mysterious, interesting, and pithy under those circumstances.

(And, oh yeah, those chicks would have to be really effin drunk too.)

Until I thought about it a little more anyway. Now I'm just a little depressed quite frankly. I possess no mystique, at least locally. I've become embarrassingly mundane and predictable.

I pop into Kwik Trip every day on my way to work to feed my nicotine habit. Until I saw these "Most Interesting Man In The World" commercials I was impressed that I could saunter up to the counter and all I heard was "that'll be $7.28 JPT." They already knew what I wanted, the right brand, and (now) annoyingly, they had the correct change ready for me. (Apparently I always hand over a ten dollar bill.) They had this sale rung up before I could open my mouth. Nothing mystique about this at all.

My kids can approach me with any problem they have in the world. And I'm there for them, ready to do battle, sort out the problem, and steer them in the right direction. But that isn't what they really want. They just want to share the problem. When I open my mouth to offer up my worldly wisdom I get shut down with "We already know what you're going to say dad." Again, my mystique has been lost and beaten into submission.

My boss doesn't even bother to tell me about new policies or work place rules any more. Apparently he knows exactly whether they're rules I'm going to follow, or ignore, ahead of time. He doesn't want to waste his time any more, or possibly mine. The possibility also exists he doesn't want the aggravation of wasting his breath. Whatever the reason, I'm once again far too predictable.

I can't even get the grocery store cashier to ask me "paper or plastic" any more upon checking out. I know they used to though. Now they just throw my shit in plastic bags and take my money. I'm a little conflicted on this one though. When they used to ask I'd get that "deer in the headlights look" and mumble and stammer, and finally ask "Uh, what's the correct answer here?" That may have become a tad tiring to them, but again no mystique involved.

So a few changes are in order here. The mystique which has apparently fled my persona has to be recaptured.

Deciding where to start is a bit perplexing. Do I go all in or just phase in some changes?

I'm inclined to start with the grocery store, mostly because I'm going to have to buy some groceries some time today, or go hungry.

So when "Skippy" the l'il bagger boy starts to throw my crap into plastic bags I'm going to have to bring that to a halt. But going to paper isn't exactly exciting, or mysterious. That just won't do. That guy is going to have to find some burlap bags to make me happy.

Baby steps people, baby steps.

We're Like "When Harry Met Sally"?

Unless you've read the last post this post probably won't make much sense to you.

(Go ahead and read it now, I'll wait for you. There's shit I can do while I'm waiting anyway. I need caffeine, a cigarette, and possibly a piss break as well.

It's a proven fact that a caffeinated and well nicotined "Just Plain Tired" is a much more pleasant person to hang with than one who isn't.

Hanging out with one who hasn't pissed his pants is probably preferred too.)

Anyway.

There's this little dinner fiasco on Sunday night. A dinner fiasco that I wasn't planning on attending until Jackie opened her big mouth. It's hard to be pissed at her because quite frankly her big mouth is one of the things I like about her. I just didn't want to go because I'm not as socially inclined as the hosts of said dinner. Mostly the wife of said dinner fiasco. She's too nice to dislike, but she's exasperating.

So we're going.

But there's weirdness involved. (Yeah, yeah, I know, if I'm involved there's always weirdness involved. Just shut up and keep reading.)

I think I've shown here that my thought process isn't always on target. I have a tendency to over analyze some pretty weird circumstances I've run into and my mind just races from one tangent to the next trying to figure shit out.

The latest thought process involves the perceived threat to my happy singleness. I'm a very much single guy content with life just as it is. It's an uncomplicated and simplistic life that I've fully embraced. It's also one which Jackie has also, or so I thought previously.

There's now an uncomfortable feeling that things are spinning out of control.

Jackie and I are perfect for one another. By that I mean as handy dating material when the need arises. We've known each other for over 5 years now and have bailed each other out countless times when a socially acceptable partner is needed.

We're often referred to as "Harry" and "Sally" by friends and co-workers. Those words have never been uttered by either one of us though. (Until yesterday.) We get to hear how "perfect" we are together, blah, blah, blah... by others, and we just skate around this.

When Jackie decided to prank the boss' wife on Thursday it was funny. It's the type of "funny" that I usually can get on board with.

(And I am on board, even though I'm walking the plank, blindfolded, and about to be shoved into the ocean.)

A phone call yesterday has my mind totally running out of control. It caused me a lest than restful night of sleep, and that's hard to do. All because I'm over analyzing it naturally, or maybe not. I dunno, maybe you people can figure this one out for me. After all, I'm not rocket scientist material.

Jackie: Hey Harry, Sally here.
Me: What?
Jackie: It's a joke, stupid.
Me: Okay, what's up?

Jackie: You have to work Sunday, right?

Me: Yup.

Jackie: Are you taking a change of clothes to work, or going to wear what you wear to work to this dinner party?

Me: I dunno.

Jackie: You need to figure this out, like right now.

Me: Oh, well, I'll probably just go wearing what I'm wearing to work then.

Jackie: How about you not doing that? 

Me: I'm not going to have time to run home and change comes to mind to tell you the truth. You're meeting me at work to head over there, remember?

Jackie: Pack some shit to wear. You can change at work. Their little get-together's are never formal. You in dress pants and me in jeans don't really match up well. I'm not feeling the dressing up thing so we can both look out of place.

Me: That seems like a lot of work to me, they don't care what we look like.

Jackie: Uh, no. You don't care what YOU look like. There's a difference.

Me: If it'll make you happy I'll take a change of clothes.

Jackie: You won't remember. I know you. You're going to blow this off, and tell me you conveniently forgot.

Me: Probably.

Jackie: That's not happening this time. I'll just bring some for you to change into.

Me: Uh, exactly how does that work?

Jackie: Remember that trip you took a couple of years ago to a meeting in Iowa?

Me: Yeah.

Jackie: I've still got a key to your place.

Me: You gave it back, and my plant died by the way. I don't think you watered the damn thing to tell you the truth.
Jackie: Yes I did and no I didn't return the key.

Me: Well shit, you need to do that then.

Jackie: Just shut up. You've got a key to my place anyway.

Me: No I don't.

Jackie: Well not to the place I just bought, but to my old place.

Me: Seriously, I don't have a key to your place, new or old.

Jackie: Yes, you do. I left it on your kitchen counter, with a note telling you I wanted someone I trusted to have a spare key. That's why you never got your key back. I've got your back on this one.

Me: Huh. When did you do this?

Jackie: When I was safe guarding your worldly possessions when you went to Iowa.

Me: Huh.

Jackie: You lost my key?

Me: Um, not technically. I don't remember any of this.
Jackie: You lost my key?

Me: Wait. Hey there's a key on top of the microwave here. I guess it's yours. I don't remember a note though. It isn't mine though, so it has to be yours. I guess I've kind of wondered about it.

Jackie: You've kind of wondered about it?

Me: Well yeah. Keys open shit up so I never tossed it. I thought maybe it was important.

Jackie: You're trying to throw me off track here. I know you remember this. I will be bringing you a change of clothes. You're lucky I have patience with you. You can't function without me honestly.

Me: What does that mean?

Jackie: Just that, I have patience with you.

Me: I function just fine.

Jackie: Yeah, as a totally unaware and clueless male you do. I provide a much needed balance to your life.

Me: Well, yeah, as my best friend that's entirely possible.

Jackie: See, I'm important to you.

Me: I guess so.

Jackie: You guessed right, and I have patience.

Me: Okay then.

Jackie: You are so laughable. You avoid some things like the plague. I'll see you Sunday, with a change of clothes mister.

Me: Okay.

Jackie: Bye.

Me: Uh, bye.

I know she stated I'm both unaware and clueless, but I'm not that clueless, or am I? I mean she's goofy as hell and I love that about her. She speaks whatever comes to her mind without holding back. So it's possible she simply does have the patience to put up with me as only any true best friend would. Or her patience is of a more sinister type. The type of patience that threatens the status quo of friendship.

Fuck, I don't do this type of crap well. Why are women so damn complicated?

I Just Can't Win, Can I?

I get along quite well with my boss. He's not the ideal boss by any means, but he allows me to do my job with little to no interference, and I accept his inadequacies in the supervision department. We had a few rough patches when he first transferred here from another store. He knew that I had turned down the position prior to him coming here and he had some false impressions of me from the start.

He's 12 years younger than I am, and his knowledge of me was all heard second hand from others before arriving here. He had never supervised anyone older than him and it was a problem for him for some reason. I, on other other hand, had plenty of supervisory experience in the steel industry working with a crew of 40 to 50 people of all ages.

His two biggest misconceptions of me involved his position and my independent streak.

He knew I was qualified to fill the position he was coming into and he couldn't understand why I didn't want the position myself. He harbored some weird thought that I was there to undermine him basically. It took months for him to figure out I didn't want his job.

The other issue/misconception he had was that I was hard to supervise. His new boss, who I had known 5 years previously under my boss who was retiring, had told him he should simply leave me alone. He didn't take that the way it was intended though. Instead of hearing I was proficient at my job, he interpreted it as I was a pain in the ass.

When he arrived here he went out of his way to assert he was the boss. It was a mild irritant at times, but for the most part, amusing to me. It's really hard to get me wound up over petty crap. I knew that over time he'd eventually see that he should leave me alone. He did finally, but it was interesting the first few months he was here.

Now that I've worked for him almost four years things are peachy and keen. He's a pretty decent guy.

But.....

(There's always a "but", it's an unspoken and unwritten rule somewhere that a "but" is always involved.)

He has a wife, who pops into the store quite often. The fact that she pops in often isn't the problem though. She's very nice as well.

Too nice, actually.

She fancies herself as a matchmaker. I've been single for a long time. This fact bothers her for some reason. She's got this bubbly personality and, well, I'm not a bubbly type of person, but I'm a relatively happy person, content with my life as it is. So while she's very nice, and well meaning, she's a pain in the ass to me.

(To my boss' credit he knows me pretty well and always tries to divert her away from me as much as possible when her matchmaking persona invades the store. She's hard to thwart though and he ends up apologizing profusely when she leaves the store.)

Both of them are little social butterflies though. They like to throw dinner parties, barbecues, holiday type parties, etc. Invariably they want me to attend many of these. Which is fine because I consider the boss a friend as well. When our schedules permit we've golfed together, he's gone out on the river fishing with me, although I think he just likes getting out on the boat, rather than the actual fishing part.

But these "social events" drive me crazy. It's a no win proposition for me. If I show up without a date, she always has someone there that's "just perfect" for me. Ah, not so much.

If I show up with a date it's a nightmare for the person I cajoled into going with me. They get cornered by her with her grilling them about how long we've been together, how happy we are, how serous is the relationship, blah, blah, blah. She can't accept it's simply a date, with no other strings attached other than a night out. I have a friend we'll call Jackie (primarily because it's her name) who fills in admirably as a date, and I for her when she has the need of one as well. We're simply good friends.

The problem here is that the boss' wife really likes Jackie. Unfortunately that feeling isn't reciprocal though. I haven't asked Jackie in over a year to attend one of these "social events" because of the torture she goes through when she's accompanied me in the past.

Yesterday I was off, and Jackie saw a need to have me around for the day. She had just bought a house and needed to look at appliances, she wanted a snow blower, and some other things she felt a guy's input would be useful on. So we were running around town with me giving her expert advice, as only a guy can pretend to possess, on things a woman wants to hear about, but doesn't normally don't want to think about.

One of our stops was at Best Buy and who do we run into? You guessed it. The dreaded wife of the boss. Had we seen her first we'd have slunk away, but she ambushed snuck up on us. This isn't going to be good I told myself. I think the reason Jackie and I get along so well is we possess the same wacky humor and she's every bit as blunt as I am. She's incredibly quick and sharp tongued around people who are irritating. We'd definitely be considered compatible in that regard.

So a conversation took place that Jackie thoroughly enjoyed, the boss' wife completely bought into, and left me brain damaged, caught off guard, and stammering throughout the ordeal.

Boss' wife: Hey guys!
Us: (almost in unison) Uh, hi.
Boss' wife: (to Jackie) I haven't seen you in a long time. Did (Just Plain Tired) tell you about the dinner we're having Sunday night?
Jackie: No he didn't.
Boss' wife: (to me) Why didn't you tell her about this?
Jackie: Yeah, why didn't you tell me about this?
Me: It must have slipped my mind.
Boss' wife: So you're both coming right?
Me: Um, uh....
Jackie: We certainly are! We'll be all primed for it. You know honey (to me) we'll get an extra hour of sleep and we'll both feel great that night.
Boss' wife: Are you two together finally?
Me: Uh, no, not exactly, we're.....
Jackie: Oh hush up. (to me) It's not a secret any more. We might as well just come out and let the world know.

(At this point I became a zoned out, brain dead, drooling spectator to this verbal massacre.)

Boss' wife: I just knew it! You two are perfect for each other. He never tells me or (the boss) anything.
Jackie: I'm trying to get him to open up more myself. He's such a private person, you know.
Boss' wife: I know! So how long have you two been serious?
Jackie: I've been fucking his brains out every single day for over six months now.
Boss' wife: Oh my gawd! I am so happy for you two. Now I know why he never wants to meet anyone I try to introduce him to. Why didn't you just tell me you two are together? (to me)
Me: I.....
Jackie: Oh hell, you know how he is. He's still a bit hung up on our age difference you know.
Boss' wife: That's a stupid thing. (to me)  You're not that much older than her. You guys make a great couple.
Jackie: I tell him that all the time.
Boss' wife: Does (the boss) know?
Jackie: I doubt it. Wouldn't he tell you if he did?
Boss' wife: He would. (to me) You haven't told (the boss) about this?
Me: Um, no, I guess not. It's still all pretty new to me I guess.
Boss' wife: I can't wait to tell him!
Jackie: So what time is dinner on Sunday?
Boss' wife: We're planning on eating about 7:00 pm, but you two should come earlier so we can visit some more. I've got to run and pick up (her son). I'm running so late today.
Jackie: That's great! We'll see you then.

And off she scampers.

Jackie: Now that was funny!
Me: Jackie..... no.....
Jackie: Just shut up. I did you a tremendous favor here.
Me: No, you....
Jackie: You've been single so long you have no clue how a woman thinks. She's so happy with the thought that you're getting laid... plus.... now you're off the market in her eyes. She's not going to be trying to hook you up with any of her unattached friends.
Me: This.... well.... shit....
Jackie: Trust me on this.
Me: Yeah, but....
Jackie: Just. Shut. Up. This will be fun for awhile. Jesus, get with it! We can pull this off with her for a long time.
Me: Well, you're now on the hook for dinner though.
Jackie: So that means you owe me now.
Me: I. Owe. You?
Jackie: You really have no idea how a woman thinks.
Me: Tell me about it.

So I've had some time to digest all of this. Dismay, quite frankly came first to mind. Utter dismay actually. But I've warmed up to this since the initial shock has worn off, because we can pull this off, and for quite some time. I've processed all the future reactions and have come to this conclusion. The boss' wife is very naive, and very nice. When this little charade unravels she'll be slightly embarrassed, but not actually mad. The boss will be cool about it as well. And for me, no more little miss matchmaker to contend with for the foreseeable future.

Yeah, I'm delusional, aren't I?

When In A Zone Doesn't Mean Actually Being In The Zone

I went to work yesterday expecting a mess. We had a promotion changeover and I knew the boss wouldn't have it wrapped up before I got in to work. But he did have much more done than I expected.

We had an enormous amount of things to toss out though, so I started bagging up crap to head to the dumpster.

On the second return trip from the dumpster I noticed a young mother with a baby in a stroller, and two toddler aged kids trailing behind her, heading to the mall entrance. She looked a little harried and as I approached her and the mall entrance I offered to get the door for her.

(And yes, I'm somewhat of a gentleman that way. As a bonus she was cute and I thought she might smell nice too, so in order to find out, holding the door seemed to be the best way to determine this.)

As I reached for the door I heard her say "Okay, great".... and I completely zoned out.

(This is a common phenomenon that happens to me and what can trigger it seems to vary wildly. My boss can be discussing some new policy, or work rule that I need to follow, or that I need to quit breaking and bam!.... I'm off in my own little world.

I'm off in La La Land wondering to myself when was the last time I took a piss. I then start to wonder if I need to take a piss. The answer is always no though. But I still have to determine exactly when the last piss occurred anyway. If it's been a sufficiently long enough time in the past I then pretend my bladder has super powers and no one on Earth has the bladder capacity I possess.

I then convince myself I can fly because somehow a full bladder induces levity powers. Then... well... I notice the boss is silent and just staring at me. I mumble that I need to take a piss and wander off to the bathroom to see if I can shake out a couple of drops.)

So yeah, it's not always okay and great being me.

Anyway, back to the door holding operation.

I heard those "Okay, great" words from her and I'm off and running a mental sprint of sorts. I know I'm staring at this girl, but not really seeing her. Those two words, "Okay, great" sounded off, somewhat tinny, and flat.

I wondered why didn't she just say thanks?

What does "Okay, great" really mean?

It didn't sound "okay" or "great" to me. I then tried to put myself in her shoes, mainly the ones pushing a baby in a stroller and two kids under the age of four at her heels. I can see where keeping eyes on this caravan could produce a less than stellar "Okay, great" sounding response.

But then I reconsidered. Maybe she's just exhausted and squeezing out those two words were an extraordinary effort for her. Perhaps, just perhaps, this was among the most "okay and greatest" of things ever performed for her. I was like some knight in shining armor and shit. She just couldn't properly convey it is all.

And then I had to reconsider again, because of that damn "knight in shining armor" thought. Maybe she thought she was royalty of some sort and I was a serf. I mean that "Okay, great" comment didn't sound particularly thankful or right to me anyway. It was just an obligatory remark to someone as lowly as me. She probably regretted saying it actually. I should have felt honored she chose to speak in my presence at all, her being so queenly and stuff.

And just as I was ready to consider another possibility the real world stepped back into play. She and the kiddies had gotten through the door, and she was staring at me and speaking to me. I then realized that her "Okay, great" comment had actually included a "thanks" at the end of it.

She had this strange look on her face and was asking me "Are you alright, mister?" Naturally the first thing that pops out of my mouth is "I'm fine, sorry about that, I've just got to take a piss."

To her credit she just nodded her head, then practically ran to get some distance between herself and me.

And dammit! While holding the door I was cognizant enough to verify she was cute but I don't really recall if she smelled nice. The best I can report is that she didn't smell bad. I'm sure I'd have picked up on that. Still a failure upon my part though.

She's Gone

It is with much glee sadness that I have to report that the Worthless Co-Worker no longer will be around to grace us with her presence at work, and the blog for that matter. Last Thursday was her last day of (actual) work, though that wasn't determined to be the case until Saturday.

Confused, huh?

This past week has been an entertaining comedy of errors at work. All the more entertaining because I was on the sideline watching this train wreck as it unfolded. Actually the past 12 months have been the most bizarre I've seen here in the 8+ years I've worked here. It comprised of the hiring of the Worthless Co-Worker, the realization within the first week of said hiring how woefully unprepared this 30-year-old woman was equipped to navigate life, much less a job. The mishandling of her by the boss throughout her tenure here, which culminated in her resigning, switching of dates several times of said resignation end date, the throwing of people under the bus, bad decisions, and ultimately the firing of Worthless Co-Worker on Saturday.

(You know there's something to be said for doing your job well though. While that bus I mentioned in the previous paragraph ran over three different people it missed me completely. Honestly I'm taking satisfaction in that fact with a small measure of smugness. It's a "I told you so" smugness on my part that I didn't even have to verbalize, but the boss is very well aware of regardless.)

The demise of the Worthless Co-Worker managed to cast  the boss in a bad light, his boss under the same bad light, to a smaller degree, and of course a pit of utter blackness for the Worthless Co-Worker. I literally shined. I was a beacon of sanity, safely tucked away on the sideline.

While I feel a bit bad about the boss being in hot water, all due to his being too nice of a guy, he knew better. He should have dealt with her antics long ago instead of coddling her and believing he could "straighten her out." You can't can't straighten out stupid and crazy. (For those in the dark there are plenty of posts about the Worthless Co-Worker here to catch up on.) It was an impossible task.

Anyway, back to Saturday.

All three of us were scheduled to work, with the boss opening, Worthless Co-Worker scheduled in at 11:00 am, and myself scheduled in at 1:00 pm. I didn't get to see the Worthless Co-Worker though. All the drama was wrapped up by 12:15 pm, or so.

Apparently 11:00 am rolls around, and no Worthless Co-Worker. No real surprise there, she's perpetually late. At 11: 20 am the boss calls her and asks where she's at. She informs him she's sitting in her car, in the parking lot, in the midst of a panic attack and/or mental breakdown. (Cue Twilight Zone theme here.) While she's definitely a mental case we're used to this drama act of hers. He tells her to get her ass to work.

Thirty minutes goes by, and you guessed it, no Worthless Co-Worker. He calls her again to hear she's on her way back. When he asks back from where, she replied that her glasses are broke, and she had to go somewhere to get them fixed. (These are the same glasses that have been broke for two weeks now. Along with that, the mall has three eye glass stores which could do a bang up job on eye glass repairs I'd imagine.)

He's pissed now. (Finally.)

She saunters in five minutes later, sans repaired eye glasses of course, and the boss starts in on her. Apparently she informs him to feel free to "write her up", she doesn't care. I think a light bulb finally (gasp!!) goes off and the boss antes up the pot and does one better by firing her on the spot. (That boy is finally learning something.) So she's gone.

I have to admit this isn't the time of year I prefer to be short handed at work though. Our company is woefully slow in the hiring process and if we don't have someone in place by mid November it'll be January before the boss will hire anyone. December is just way too busy for hiring and training quite frankly. I think I may have shed a tear now that I've seen my schedule on Black Friday go from 4:30 am to 1:30 pm to now stretch until 5:00 pm. Color me comatose already.

Blogging may have to take a bit of the backseat as well. Fewer days off and longer work days will be the order of the day for a couple of months. Not sure if I'll be posting less frequently but perhaps much shorter posts. That may actually relieve some of you folks though who wade through the mini-novels of spewage I subject you to normally. I guess bigger paychecks will be nice, but that isn't something I obsess over in all honestly. We'll see how this all pans out I guess.

Oh.... before I forget. Happy Halloween for those who think this day is a big deal, and stuff. May your tricks and treats be of the awesome variety.

A Journey Down Memory Lane

You know, now that the time is nearing that the Worthless Co-Worker will no longer be with us, I've been thinking about the number of "worthless co-workers" we've had here the past eight years. She's not the first by any means, just the most bizarre one to date.

We'll get to that in a minute or so though.

As I was off on Monday and Tuesday a few more details have emerged about the current Worthless Co-Worker. Yesterday I worked all day be myself with no contact from the Worthless Co-Worker. The boss on the other hand called in, I think to make sure I was awake, and to let me in on a few more details.

1) Her resignation has been accepted, and there's no going back on it. He stated she's now having second thoughts though, but too little too late. Once it's in writing, and accepted, it's at the company discretion and they've decided she's done on November 27th, or possibly sooner. A job opening at our location is already posted on our internal intranet as well.

2) Apparently Tuesday was quite interesting. She resigned on Monday, wavered on Tuesday, and thought she could just simply withdraw her resignation. (The boss stated he warned her on Monday if she had any doubts, she shouldn't formally resign. She apparently couldn't be talked out of it then.) So on Tuesday she's pissed and throws the boss under the bus. (No surprise there, I had repeatedly warned him this would some day happen.)

3) A conference call was held involving her, Personal Dept., the boss, and his boss.

PET PEEVE ALERT:  As with any other hip personal department, in their own mind anyway, they are now to be referred to as the "Human Capital Department." Those words will never be uttered by me. I find this new name offensive. Every time I see or hear those words I get a mental picture of a fucking cattle yard. I don't "moo" for anybody.

(Unless she's a hot, young, (but legal) nubile babe. Gotta keep it legal you know. I have no interest in jail time.

Who am I kidding.

At my age just that thought, if dwelt upon too long, would give me a stroke or heart attack. Better keep them hot babes away I guess, for health reasons if nothing else. I'm sure they're relieved as well. I'm quite certain the thought of an old wrinkly dude like me isn't very appealing to them anyway.)

Anyway, back to the conference call.

Since the Worthless Co-Worker is essentially unemployed in about four weeks or less she decided to bring up every imaginable offense or wrong doing of the boss over the past year. So he's in some hot water now as well. Not the firing type of hot water, but some formal discipline to be named later, type of hot water. I'm pretty sure it also involves no pay raise for him at the beginning of the year, and stuff.

4) I received a phone call from the bosses boss yesterday. One of those "hush, hush, what the hell has been going on there" calls. I've known this guy for eight years, which is five years longer than my boss has. He knows I won't "bullshit" him, which I didn't, but definitely cleared up a few things about this crap. The bottom line is my boss is too nice of a guy, and his boss needs to make him meaner. We'll see how that goes.

I think we're up to date now on this latest bit of Worthless Co-Worker news. As stated, eons ago in this post, we've had other less than stellar people here. When we're fully staffed, we're a three person store operation. It seems that the 3rd person is never quite up to par.

(Although we did go through most of 2007, and part of 2008 with a solid crew. Maureen, if you ever find this blog please consider coming back.

That will never happen though, she transferred to another store due to being promoted to store manager there.)

So, other less than stellar people we've had in the past:

1) Alison aka obnoxious bitch.

This woman was in her mid fifties, about 5'3" tall, and every bit as wide as she was tall. Always broke, but a compulsive shopper. Always dieting, but would eat bags and bags of candy daily bragging how well her diet was going because she always skipped lunch. (Honey you didn't skip lunch, you ate all damn day long and you chewed with your mouth open depositing food on your ample chest for all to see and be sickened by.) It's safe to say I detested her.

And while some of you may consider this mean of me, she shopped at Victoria's Secret about once a month, or more, and always insisted I needed to see what she bought to surprise her husband with. Um, no I didn't. While I applaud the fact that your husband and you wanted to keep the "sexy" in your life, I had no desire to entertain the thought of you in skimpy underwear. (And no, not just based entirely on her weight, but I'm an honest person, for the most part, and 325 pounds and skimpy underwear don't compute. No one needs to show me that regardless of their weight though. It's tacky, especially at her age.)

She was a thief. Not the conventional kind though. As part of our salary is based on sales commissions she stole sales. Never from me, because I was on to her. She altered information in the computer to do this. While I knew she was doing this it took months to actually prove it. It was quite a process and too involved to go into details here. (I have a tendency to write long enough posts as it is.) But caught she was, and fired.

2) Lisa aka wannabe teeny bopper

This woman was 60 years old and no man, regardless of age was safe in the mall. She had had so much plastic surgery her face didn't move. Her attire was totally inappropriate and she shopped at teeny bopper stores exclusively.

I remember coming to work one day and finding her pissed off. When I asked her what her problem was she stated "Some guy was in here earlier and said I was probably hot when I was younger, I'm still hot and he was an asshole." We didn't get along very well after that day. I told her I never pictured her as hot, no matter the age, just ridiculous.

She actually broke up a marriage due to having an affair with some guy in the mall. We also had two different wives come into the store and confront her because of her crazy crap with their husbands. While I never got to witness this we had other stores report to us her "actions" with numerous guys in the store when she worked alone. Apparently she put on quite a show.

Oddly she lasted six months due to a very naive boss (not the current one) who just couldn't believe all these nasty rumors about her. This woman was always on her best behavior around the boss and no matter how many people told her about this crap she didn't believe it. Finally, a relative of the boss who was shopping one day witnessed Lisa in action and reported it. Then the shit finally hit the fan and she was fired.

There's been a few others, but I'm already bored with this myself now. Plus I'm getting tired and bleary eyed.

So time with the Worthless Co-Worker is winding down. I'm sure I'll be getting her side of the story later today when I work with her. Should be bizarre and comical. (And yes, I'm going to take full advantage of the time left of her employment for blog filler during the duration of her time with us.)

Crazy Knows No Bounds: Part Two

We left off the last post with the news of the Worthless Co-Worker turning in her resignation and the fact that she's getting married. (See previous post if you haven't kept up.)

I lamented the fact to not being at work Monday and seeing the boss and her in action when she broke this news to him. The comedy of them two arguing all day over her idiocy is, quite frankly, a lot of fun for me to witness at times. I'm sure I'll get to see more of it though, since her last day of work is apparently November 27th.

Hang on here a second folks. I'm hungry and there's ice cream in the freezer. You're just going to have to wait for a bit for me to finish this post. (Why yes, I do think some of you people are psychic, or something, and can actually see this post as it's being written. I can actually see the look on your faces as the words appear here as my fingers race sputter across my keyboard. Just relax, I eat ice cream rather quickly.)

I have to tell you this Country Rich Chocolate Revel Ice Cream is great stuff. It's even the "Original Taste" as per the container. While I can't attest to the taste of the "Unoriginal Taste" they must have once sold, this stuff is good.

So good as a matter of fact, could you folks possibly wait a little longer if I got a second bowl?

No?

Fricken babies.

Where were we?

Oh yes, the fantasy world of the Worthless Co-Worker and her latest revelation stupidity.

So I got a second phone call on Monday from work. It was from her naturally, and placed after the boss went home for the day. It started out innocently enough though... as you're about to witness.

(That's if I can get my mind off of ice cream. But damn, that was a mighty tasty treat. And yes, I still want a second bowl you big babies. Okay, okay, no more ice cream. But I am going to take a smoke break or two here. There are some type of labor laws that can be applied here, or something.)

I know, I know, the phone call is what you're here for, so here it is. (And as always, we're relying on my incredible memory, but it'll be fairly accurate.)

Worthless Co-Worker: Hey! Can you do me a favor?
Me: No, I'm not walking you down the aisle.
Worthless Co-Worker: So (store manager ) already told you, huh?
Me:Yup.
Worthless Co-Worker: I'm not calling about that. I need a favor.
Me:What?

Worthless Co-Worker: Can we trade shifts on Thursday. I have my belly dance class that night.

Me: Sure.

Worthless Co-Worker: Really, you'll switch?

Me: I don't really care what shift I work. You know that. So, yes.

Worthless Co-Worker: Great! How was your day off by the way?

Me: Better than yours from what I've heard.

Worthless Co-Worker: What did (store manager) tell you?

Me: How did you get knocked up by the way?

Worthless Co-Worker: I'm not pregnant. Why did he tell you that!?!?

Me: He didn't. It's just a random question I thought I'd throw at you.

Worthless Co-Worker: Oh. So what did he tell you?

Me: You're quitting and getting married.

Worthless Co-Worker: Is that it?

Me: Well no, he had plenty to say, but that's just it in a nutshell.

Worthless Co-Worker: I know you've got things to say about it. Might as well get it out of the way. 

Me: Nope.

Worthless Co-Worker: You don't?

Me: I'm not into wasting my time.

Worthless Co-Worker: What do you mean by that?

Me: You're going to go through with this no matter what I say. You're the type of person who has to learn everything the hard way. So I'm not into wasting my time with an idiot.

Worthless Co-Worker: What do you mean I'm an idiot?

Me: Just that simple question alone is enough evidence of your ignorance. 

Worthless Co-Worker: No one supports me. My family, friends, and you guys at work. Why can't you be happy for me?

Me: Trust me there are levels of happiness here just simply knowing you're quitting. You know exactly what I think and would say about this. And it wouldn't change a thing.

Worthless Co-Worker: You've never liked me.

Me: Untrue. You just don't matter to me. There's really no like or dislike involved. To me you alternate between being a mild irritant to mildly amusing. Nothing more, nothing less. I just simply have to work with you. I'm not responsible for your actions, or lack of them, at work. Basically, you're not my problem.

Worthless Co-Worker: That's kind of mean.

Me: Possibly.

Worthless Co-Worker: What if I told you I'd listen to you?

Me: Trust me (Worthless Co-Worker), I'd love to tell you about life in general. But your sense of reality is non-existent, hence I'm not into wasting my time.

Worthless Co-Worker: You don't understand. I've prayed about this and God has told me he's the one.

Me: So what does God say about him having three felony convictions, the fact that he has nothing to do with his children, the fact that he denies that three of them are actually his, and that his mail all originates from Tennessee and he lives in New Mexico? I could go on, but how about just these things?

Worthless Co-Worker: I've told you he's explained all of those things.

Me: Forget it. No wait..... Just tell me how the two of you are going to Israel to get married when he can't even afford to pay for a hotel when he comes here for Thanksgiving to see you?

Worthless Co-Worker: That's all taken care of.

Me: Uh huh. Did he win the lottery?

Worthless Co-Worker: I put the plane tickets on my credit card.

Me: You've got to be kidding me.

Worthless Co-Worker: No, and he's sure he'll be able to cover hotel and food expenses once we get there.

Me: I'm hanging up now. You're a total waste of time.

Worthless Co-Worker: Wait...

Me: No, bye, see you Thursday at work.

Worthless Co-Worker: Um. Okay.

The best part of working (later) today is the fact I'll see neither her, or the boss. For some reason I'm working an open to close shift by myself. My sanity will remain intact for one day anyway.

(And I am going to have that second bowl of ice cream now.)