Smoking Induces The Strangest Encounters

I'm a smoker. A relatively polite smoker at that. But a smoker nonetheless.

There are places I won't smoke, like the car, restaurants, or in someones face basically. I respect the fact that people aren't fond of second hand smoke. So I trudge outside and away from people. Invariably someone tracks me down though when I'm outside of the mall where I work to "chit chat."

Now if they're a fellow smoker there's no real harm in this. I can't kill them with my second hand smoke any worse than the first hand smoke they inflict upon themselves I figure. But to tell you the truth I don't go outside to socialize with anyone. I'm not a social smoker. I'm on the clock and just trying to inhale and exhale as quickly as possible and get back to work. The whole speaking and smoking at the same time thing slows the process down. I really have no interest in multi-tasking during the course of one of life's death inducing activities simple pleasures for me.

In essence I just want to be left alone to inflict this damage to myself.

Friday afternoon I exit the mall, make the right turn down the sidewalk, and trudge about 20 yards away from the mall entrance, only to be followed by someone. A short rotund old lady rose off the bus waiting bench her ass was warming to speak to me. A non-smoking short rotund old lady.

This sidewalk leads to... exactly nowhere. Exactly the place a polite smoker goes to smoke. (You know, away from short rotund old ladies as a matter of fact.)

As I see her waddling toward me I turn away from her and wander down another 5 yards to the end of the sidewalk to nowhere. I turn to see this hasn't deterred her advance upon me. It then hit me what she was after, or so I thought at the time, she wanted a cigarette. As she draws nearer I dig one out, and my lighter. I figured I'd just save some time, hand it over, and be able to smoke in peace.

Wrong move apparently, as the following conversation took place:

Short Rotund Old Lady: Put that damn thing away.
Me: Um, okay.
Short Rotund Old Lady: Nasty damn habit.

Me: What can I do for you ma'am?

Short Rotund Old Lady: Young man, don't you know those things can kill you?

Me: Well ma'am, you're not the first to tell me that.

Short Rotund Old Lady: I used to smoke myself. If I can quit anyone can. You need to quit smoking. Now I can't even stand the smell of those damn things any more.

Me: Is this what you came over here for?

Short Rotund Old Lady: Yes. 

Me: Well, thanks for the advice, but I've got to get back to work.

Short Rotund Old Lady: Are you going to quit?

Me: Ma'am, really, thank you for your concern, but no I'm not going to quit.

Short Rotund Old Lady: Don't you care about your health? Don't you have any will power?

Me: Ma'am I'm sure your intentions are very good here, but I don't know you, I'm not bothering anyone, unless they decide to chase me down and give me a lecture, so I think it's just best if we part ways now.

Short Rotund Old Lady: So now you're scared of an old lady, huh?

Me: Okay ma'am, my boss is a pretty understanding guy so I guess we can discuss this a little more if you really want to. I can deal with crazy intrusive people when necessary.

Short Rotund Old Lady: I'm not crazy, and whatever that other word is either!

Me: Ma'am, you got off a bench that is located about 10 yards from the mall entrance, followed me approximately 35 yards away from said bench, to intrude upon my time. My much preferred alone time and much preferred alone spot away from people who don't like the smell and second hand smoke of cigarettes. Now.....

(And then I stop and remind myself she's an old lady. Just walk away I tell myself, walk away. 


As I start to step around her she grabs my arm.)

Short Rotund Old Lady: Don't you care about your health? What about the cost smoking puts on our health care system? We all have to pay for this nasty habit you know. I'm a senior citizen who has trouble paying for insurance as it is. This habit costs all of us.

(Fuck, fuck, fuck.... ah fuck it.)

Me: Ma'am, I'm going to leave you with a thought about the cost of health care. One just as valid as the one you're trying to shove up my ass. There are studies that have shown obesity costs us far more than smoking does. I'm willing to make a deal with you. I'm going to guess that you're approximately 75 pounds overweight. When you lose 50 of those pounds come back and see me. I'll quit smoking and we can crusade together hitting up every buffet in the state railing against the people who fill up more than 3 plates of food. We can wreak havoc and mayhem stealing their plates, blocking the buffet line, overturning the dessert bar, what ever it takes, all in the name of caring about their health and the obesity problem plaguing this country. Is that a deal?

Short Rotund Old Lady: What? Huh? What are you talking about?

Me: Nothing, I'm just talking about my need to get back to work, and away from busybodies.

Short Rotund Old Lady: You just don't.... what are you....? I'm confused.

Me: Yes you are, but have a nice day regardless.

So now I'm not only a non-social smoker but an asshole as well. I reduced myself from six feet tall to about 6 inches tall in stature in less than 5 minutes. Man, I know better than this. If this person had been my age, or younger, there would be absolutely no remorse, and probably harsher words said in all reality. I'm hoping I was just tired though due to only getting about 4 hours of sleep the night before. I'm usually polite and deferring to senior citizens. Even crazy ones. Damn.