Maybe Customer Service Isn't My Forte

There are days I despise people.

I don't go out of my way to do this, but inevitably, and especially this time of year, it happens.

I can only play "nice" for so long with dimwitted, demanding, and rude customers. It doesn't help that this particular customer was a mall walker as well. I'm pretty sure I've let my feelings be known in here about them previously.

A man entered the store yesterday looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. Kind of sweet when you think about it. Usually guys wait until the week before Christmas, if not the day before Christmas, to do their shopping. This guy was shopping approximately six weeks in advance of Christmas.

(This is pretty much where my nice thoughts about this guy end though.)

Anyway.

He finds something he thinks she'll like. I've answered all of his questions about said product as far as features and benefits. Then we get to the part of the conversation where he hits my list of people to despise.

Dimwitted Customer: What's your return policy?
Me: We have a 30 day return and/or exchange policy. Unopened and unused you can get your money back. Opened or used we will do a one time exchange.
Dimwitted Customer: This is a Christmas gift. The 30 days won't work for me. Don't you have a policy that takes that into account?

Me: Yes, we do.

Dimwitted Customer: Okay, I'll take it then.

Me: Wait a minute sir. Let me explain how that works. From November 15th through December 24th we allow returns and exchanges on items sold through the end of January. Today's the 13th.

Dimwitted Customer: You people are all the same! Always trying to rip me off!

Me: Excuse me?

Dimwitted Customer: You heard me. Stick this (item) up your ass.

Me: Sorry sir. That particular orifice is exit only.

Dimwitted Customer: What?

Me: Let's try this again. Come back on Monday, the item will still be 30% off, and it will then fall under the Christmas return/exchange policy. 

Dimwitted Customer: I don't have time to do that. Why don't you quit being an asshole about this. I know you can bend the rules on this.

Me: I'm a bit perplexed sir. Not about the whole asshole part, but your lack of time. You're a fucking mall walker. You're in the mall every damn day.

Dimwitted Customer: You can't talk to me like that!

Me: Sorry sir. But yes I can, you opened that door when you told me to stick this up my ass. You then proceeded to walk through that door by calling me an asshole. Right now I could give two shits less if you ever buy anything from us.

Dimwitted Customer: I want to talk to someone in charge here.

Me: Not a problem. See that guy cringing back by the cash register. He's the manager, and excellent at hiding when people like you decide to come in here and be insulting. His one redeeming quality though is he has rabbit ears and has heard this entire conversation.

Dimwitted Customer: We'll see about that. I'm going to have your job.

Me: Good luck with that, sir.

Dimwitted Customer: Fuck you!

Me: Yes sir. He's right there, go talk to him, we're done talking now.

So the guy stomps off to whine to the boss and I start helping another customer. I do take the time to shoot a grin at the boss though as this guy is approaching him. I know he's pissed. But not at me. He's a little nicer than I am with people like this, but doesn't tolerate them either. Our company backs us 100% as well, under these circumstances. The boss just simply would like me to tell a customer like this to leave, and I probably should, but people like this really need to be told they're idiots as far as I'm concerned.

I don't need to be worshipped by any means, but if you want respect, you've got to show some as well.

A few minutes later the guy leaves the store, unhappily. He heard the same thing from the boss, albeit a bit nicer.

We now have a bet on the guy showing up on Monday to buy this gift for the wife. I say he's going to, the boss thinks not. But this douche will and the boss will be the one to benefit. The guy won't buy anything from me of course, so the boss will earn a little commission for himself when the guy does make the purchase.

And how do I know this?

Simple, this guy is truly the asshole in this equation. I've seen him ream the little coffee shop girls in the past when he's walking the mall and demanding they have coffee for him, prior to them even being open, or ready, for business. So as he's doing his laps around the mall and gets to the coffee shop when they're actually open for business he always gets his cup of coffee.

It's probably a damn good thing I don't work there. I'm not saying I'd refuse him a cup of coffee though. He'd probably be wearing one if it were me. Because I'm thoughtful like that, and stuff.