An Open Letter To David Arquette

Dear David,

I stopped myself from writing this letter last week. I almost felt bad for you when I heard that you and Courtney Cox were splitting up. When a frumpy, little to no talent, and annoying man snags a beauty like Cox many of us guys would harbor a little hate for you. But not I. You actually provided many of us frumpy, little to no talent, and annoying guys inspiration and hope that perhaps we could snag a beauty some day ourselves.

Of course I couldn't help but wonder how you did this. But hey, matters of the heart are sometimes unexplainable. It made me a true believer in the age old adage that "love is blind." It made me believe I could find a half-blind beauty myself.

When the two of you released the statement last week announcing your split I was a wee bit perplexed though.

Stating how much the two of you still loved and respected each other is never a good thing for a marriage. Why most couples I know, who've ever split up, feel that same exact way. I'm sure they've fallen ever so more deeply in love, and wallowed in over powering respect for one another that a split is the best way to handle it. You cannot possibly stay together relying on those two attributes. We all know this.

But then a light bulb went off here. Since I think you're a seriously loserly weird guy and Cox, while a beauty, may be as loserly weird as you, I just knew you two were up to something. This was a definite publicity stunt to prove that absence does make the heart grow fonder. I was feeling quite smug. You know David, you've got to get up pretty damn early in the morning to get anything by me.

But you did.

I'm sure you felt that going on Howard Stern's radio show was an excellent idea to preserve that love and respect aspect of your relationship. Telling the public the two of you haven't had sex in over four months is one way to endure yourself to any woman. You're a genius David! Also revealing that Courtney is tired of having to act "like a mother to you" is an excellent sign of a strong and loving relationship as well. Courtney had to be thrilled you let us in that little gem as well.

(I've got to tell you David I'm a little weirded out by that one myself. Most guys I know, even utterly loserly immature ones like you, don't wanted to be considered as a child. And I'm pretty sure she felt having sex with a child was a bit weird too.)

But you didn't stop there did you David. You had one more nail for your coffin and had to use it. Telling a woman she has issues in private is a dicey proposition. Doing it in public is relationship suicide. You've thrown me into utter despair here David. I feel very bad.

Not for you, loserly weird guy. For me.

While you once provided inspiration and hope that frumpy, little to no talent, and annoying guys may have a shot with a beauty we now know it would be a charade. We'd end up heartbroken. So thanks David, thanks a lot.

Sincerely,

Just Plain Tired