Monday, October 18, 2010

So I'm Not Awfully Bright And Other Troubling Things

I left my car unlocked at work yesterday. I never always leave my car unlocked. Not terribly bright, but there's nothing in there to steal, or so I thought.

While I didn't catch, or see the thief, I have the perfect visual of the miscreant. A wild-haired nicotine freak with hunger pains. Yesterday was one of the few times there were things in the car that were worth stealing. The items not stolen were a set of golf clubs in trunk, two packs of cigarettes in glove compartment, 12-pack of diet Coke, small bag of fishing lures worth $97.34 as per the receipt, and two new paperback books from Barnes and Noble.

What was taken? The car cigarette lighter and my lunch club card to Old Country Buffet. I drove home from work last night without the ability to light the cigarette dangling between my lips and the knowledge that lunch is now going to cost me an extra $1.00 every time I eat at the buffet.

A pretty miserable and tragic ride home and one which no one can possibly match the heartache I'm going through with the loss of those items. Don't even try try to top this with any tale of woe happening in your life right now. You'll just look silly and pathetic in any attempt to draw attention to yourself and take away the outpouring of sympathy I'm expecting to see for me in the comment section. You've got your own blog to beg for sympathy, so feel free to beg there for it.

(Now that reality is setting in, feel free to beg for sympathy for your tale of woe because you may actually get some sympathy. I'm expecting references to myself as being an idiot.)

My 22 month old granddaughter swears like a sailor.

She came running up to me this afternoon, thrust a hand in the hair, and shouted "Fuck!"

Huh?

And then she did it again.

I'm saying "No, no honey, don't say that and let's put that sock on your foot you're carrying around. I'm going to have some words with your father when he gets home this afternoon from work about his language."

So she throws the sock at me, points at it, and shouts "Fuck!" once again.

Yeah folks, I am just that quick, nobody needs to be a smart ass and tell me they knew immediately what she was trying to really say. We all know you'd be lying anyway and any attempt to make me feel any dumber than I already feel would be a waste of time. I probably wouldn't get that quickly either.

My son gets home from work and I still feel it's my parental duty to chew his ass about his language anyway. What did I have to lose? After all I'm not very bright. He just laughed and asked how many times I had to put her socks back on her feet. He's a smart ass too.

39 comments:

Another Day of Crazy said...

I've lost my ability to baby-speak... sock? foot? sock on foot?
Maybe she was trying to tell you about how she was made??

Jane said...

Like father like son here, perhaps???

Jane

Dazee Dreamer said...

I'm saying this with my most sympathetic I'm sorry voice, but you dumbass. Leaving your car unlocked!!! and I'm actually cracking up over the "sock" thing.

The Blogger Formerly Known As said...

I think I’d be upset if someone had stolen my cigarette lighter too. You have my every sympathy. And you needed a smoke before getting home to all that bad language!
The enigmatic, masked blogger

MichelleLCSW said...

Um, what is inexcusable is that you are rolling around without BACKUP fire...where is the lighter you are supposed to be carrying with you?! If you have no BACKUP fire, then I'm not feeling real bad about you being unable to light the cigarette... unless you said that they stole the backup lighter(s) you had in the car (THAT is sympathy worthy!). LOL As for your grand-daughter...that's good stuff right there!!! snicker snicker

Just Plain Tired said...

Another Day of Crazy -- Apparently I don't know baby-speak either. ;)

Jane -- Um, maybe? :)

Dazee Dreamer -- Finally!! Some sympathy, even though it's like a left handed compliment. ;)

TBFKA -- Exactly!!

MichelleLCSW -- No kidding. That's been rectified, even I limits to my stupidity apparently. ;)

Jean said...

LOL!!! That's all I have to say.

Smart Ass Sara said...

One time someone broke into my 88 Taurus to steal my "thanks for not smoking" sign and all of my pennies. But they left the quarters. BIZARRE.

Just Plain Tired said...

Jean -- I'm glad you're amused, and stuff. ;)

Smart Ass Sara -- This may be the same person! It's serial thief stealing the mundane crap out of cars. ;)

Mustang Sally said...

Far be it from me to give you a hard time about not locking the car, I'd be afraid of lightening striking me dead on the spot. Only time I ever lock mine is if I'm Christmas shopping at several places.

Bummer about the lighter and the meal card thing!! What's up with that.

LMAO about the baby speak. Not because you're stupid ... because they speak alien and all you can do is guess.

middle child said...

HEY! Why did you describe me in the 2nd sentence of the 2nd paragraph? I am NOT the one who broke into your vehicle and took your shit. Now if you'll excuse me, my feet are cold and I need to go put my fucks on.

Just Plain Tired said...

Mustang Sally -- I rarely have ever locked my car up. I've just been lazy the last week or so and have left stuff in it that i normally wouldn't.

middle child -- Gimme back my lighter? Cold feet always deserve a good pair of.... I probably shouldn't go there. ;)

Scarlet Ily said...

LOL - That's some baby talk! :)

Lauren said...

Sorry about the lighter...once someone broke into my dad's car...just to smoke weed and steal some tapes (which were my granddad's...big band tapes...bet they were mad when they got them home LOL!!)

michelle said...

That was funny!

BeMistified said...

Ha! That is freaking awesome!

I am so sorry to hear about your long lost car lighter and your buffet card :(

Some people's children :P

Alpha Za said...

haha, obviously the thief who broke into your kind needed to light his joint and then take care of his munchies in an economical manner. Practical Thievery.

Haha, I can barely imagine someone that young 'cussing like a sailor', but I bet she's real cute and hence thats why she gets away with it.

JY said...

Yeah stupid... leaving your car unlocked....! LOL... but yeah the items stolen were indeed rather pathetic... It's kind of when I'm glad I'm over in Japan, where it is slowly becoming more and more like the US, but still really safe comparatively.
Hmm... socks......!

Just Plain Tired said...

Scarlet -- It certainly is. ;)

Lauren -- Hey, Big Band tapes are in high demand... somewhere... possibly... ;)

michelle -- Well, I try to see the funny in even the most tragic events. ;)

BeMistified -- Truly sad, and stuff. ;)

Alpha Za -- Everyone appreciates a practical thief. :)

JY -- You know you don't come here to read about my brilliant behavior. (It would be a short read.)

Charlene said...

I was having a pretty good day until I read your post.

It's not raining here and it's not hot or cold and my coffee was strong and the yogurt was delicious if boring. I was already through one project at work and thought I'd drink another cuppa while reading your blog; a smile on my face, anticipating a great lunch.

Then there it was, your tale of woe. I am a total emotional wreck not thinking of the terrible loss of your cigarette lighter and discount card. btw. I threw my cigarette lighter in the center console in 1996 when I bought my truck and use the hole it left to charge my phone!

SMILE

Just Plain Tired said...

Charlene -- I'm smiling. ;) (Sorry to put a damper on your day though.)

darev2005 said...

You poor man. How you must feel so violated! That makes the time the little bastards stole my stereo and cd's and all of my tools seem like a mere pittance. I had one of the rented little ones in Walmart one evening and smashed my little finger between the cart and a rack. I said something that was very little like the word "snap". She repeated that same word about fifty times before we left the store. Made me look wonderful.

Sparkling Red said...

The only times I have ever left a car unlocked all occurred when my father was driving a car that did not have remote-auto-locking doors and everyone else I got lifts with did. I was used to the driver locking up with a button on their key fob. Anyway, nothing got stolen out of his car, even though it was filled with precious items like a blanket covered in dog hair, a squashed Kleenex box, a twelve-year-old map book, and crumpled parking lot receipts.

CrunchyVTMommy said...

This post kicks ass. Also everyone here in Vermont leaves everything unlocked. Im going to go on a robbing spree one day during lunch at work.

KLZ said...

I bet your son is the one who did the stealing. Just seems like he picked the things that would irritate you the most - and who would know that but family?

Steph said...

Maybe you'll start locking your car now. I'd hate for some inconsiderate prick to steal my lighter. Just found your blog today. Thanks for the laugh.

Just Plain Tired said...

darev2005 -- The little ones always remember the words you don't want them too.

Sparkling Red -- You're a very lucky lady that those valuables remained in the car. ;)

CrunchyVTMommy -- I'd eat lunch first before said robbery spree. No one wants to go to jail hungry, and stuff. ;)

KLZ -- Now there's a possibility to consider. ;)

Steph -- I'm probably not smart enough to remember to lock it up. But all (truly) valuable crap has been removed. Thanks for stopping by, hope to see you in the future here. :)

Miss Melicious said...

On the bright side, I guess the car theftery could have been much worse!

Just Plain Tired said...

Miss Melicious -- Definitely! ;)

Together We Save said...

Oh my.... so glad it was baby speek and not what it sounded like!

Just Plain Tired said...

Together We Save -- Me too, oddly enough. ;)

Sam said...

I don't think there's anything more torturous that having a cigarette in your mouth and being unable to light it. Did you try rubbing two sticks together??
P.S.-LOCK YOUR CAR

Alicia said...

I love that somewhere out there a car thief is eating for cheap at the Old Country while spinning a cigarette lighter around his finger demanding thirds on his pot roast and cinnamon rolls.

Sock, indeed...

PS. Please note that even though I'm unemployed I'm on top of my shit this week :)

Just Plain Tired said...

Sam -- Very torturous and sad.

Alicia -- I figure your always on top of your shit, at least when it comes to dishing it out to me. ;)

Sarah at The Stroller Ballet said...

This is an awesome post. I leave my car open accidentally sometimes, and always feel like there's nothing to steal, but I guess there always is!! In relation to the baby talk, I'm not looking forward to Peanut reaching the stage where she can say things like that (shudder).

Just Plain Tired said...

Sarah -- You just never know what a thief desires I guess. I think kids, when they're first learning to talk, always have a word or two, that come out interestingly.

blueviolet said...

Those are the silliest things to steal from your car but absolutely hilarious!!!

Just Plain Tired said...

blueviolet -- I'd have to agree. ;)

Jessica B said...

LMAO. That is so random! I for one, would have definitely gone with the 12 pack of diet coke.
As for the sock thing... just wait til she goes to school. lol