Sunday, October 31, 2010

She's Gone

It is with much glee sadness that I have to report that the Worthless Co-Worker no longer will be around to grace us with her presence at work, and the blog for that matter. Last Thursday was her last day of (actual) work, though that wasn't determined to be the case until Saturday.

Confused, huh?

This past week has been an entertaining comedy of errors at work. All the more entertaining because I was on the sideline watching this train wreck as it unfolded. Actually the past 12 months have been the most bizarre I've seen here in the 8+ years I've worked here. It comprised of the hiring of the Worthless Co-Worker, the realization within the first week of said hiring how woefully unprepared this 30-year-old woman was equipped to navigate life, much less a job. The mishandling of her by the boss throughout her tenure here, which culminated in her resigning, switching of dates several times of said resignation end date, the throwing of people under the bus, bad decisions, and ultimately the firing of Worthless Co-Worker on Saturday.

(You know there's something to be said for doing your job well though. While that bus I mentioned in the previous paragraph ran over three different people it missed me completely. Honestly I'm taking satisfaction in that fact with a small measure of smugness. It's a "I told you so" smugness on my part that I didn't even have to verbalize, but the boss is very well aware of regardless.)

The demise of the Worthless Co-Worker managed to cast  the boss in a bad light, his boss under the same bad light, to a smaller degree, and of course a pit of utter blackness for the Worthless Co-Worker. I literally shined. I was a beacon of sanity, safely tucked away on the sideline.

While I feel a bit bad about the boss being in hot water, all due to his being too nice of a guy, he knew better. He should have dealt with her antics long ago instead of coddling her and believing he could "straighten her out." You can't can't straighten out stupid and crazy. (For those in the dark there are plenty of posts about the Worthless Co-Worker here to catch up on.) It was an impossible task.

Anyway, back to Saturday.

All three of us were scheduled to work, with the boss opening, Worthless Co-Worker scheduled in at 11:00 am, and myself scheduled in at 1:00 pm. I didn't get to see the Worthless Co-Worker though. All the drama was wrapped up by 12:15 pm, or so.

Apparently 11:00 am rolls around, and no Worthless Co-Worker. No real surprise there, she's perpetually late. At 11: 20 am the boss calls her and asks where she's at. She informs him she's sitting in her car, in the parking lot, in the midst of a panic attack and/or mental breakdown. (Cue Twilight Zone theme here.) While she's definitely a mental case we're used to this drama act of hers. He tells her to get her ass to work.

Thirty minutes goes by, and you guessed it, no Worthless Co-Worker. He calls her again to hear she's on her way back. When he asks back from where, she replied that her glasses are broke, and she had to go somewhere to get them fixed. (These are the same glasses that have been broke for two weeks now. Along with that, the mall has three eye glass stores which could do a bang up job on eye glass repairs I'd imagine.)

He's pissed now. (Finally.)

She saunters in five minutes later, sans repaired eye glasses of course, and the boss starts in on her. Apparently she informs him to feel free to "write her up", she doesn't care. I think a light bulb finally (gasp!!) goes off and the boss antes up the pot and does one better by firing her on the spot. (That boy is finally learning something.) So she's gone.

I have to admit this isn't the time of year I prefer to be short handed at work though. Our company is woefully slow in the hiring process and if we don't have someone in place by mid November it'll be January before the boss will hire anyone. December is just way too busy for hiring and training quite frankly. I think I may have shed a tear now that I've seen my schedule on Black Friday go from 4:30 am to 1:30 pm to now stretch until 5:00 pm. Color me comatose already.

Blogging may have to take a bit of the backseat as well. Fewer days off and longer work days will be the order of the day for a couple of months. Not sure if I'll be posting less frequently but perhaps much shorter posts. That may actually relieve some of you folks though who wade through the mini-novels of spewage I subject you to normally. I guess bigger paychecks will be nice, but that isn't something I obsess over in all honestly. We'll see how this all pans out I guess.

Oh.... before I forget. Happy Halloween for those who think this day is a big deal, and stuff. May your tricks and treats be of the awesome variety.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Smoking Induces The Strangest Encounters

I'm a smoker. A relatively polite smoker at that. But a smoker nonetheless.

There are places I won't smoke, like the car, restaurants, or in someones face basically. I respect the fact that people aren't fond of second hand smoke. So I trudge outside and away from people. Invariably someone tracks me down though when I'm outside of the mall where I work to "chit chat."

Now if they're a fellow smoker there's no real harm in this. I can't kill them with my second hand smoke any worse than the first hand smoke they inflict upon themselves I figure. But to tell you the truth I don't go outside to socialize with anyone. I'm not a social smoker. I'm on the clock and just trying to inhale and exhale as quickly as possible and get back to work. The whole speaking and smoking at the same time thing slows the process down. I really have no interest in multi-tasking during the course of one of life's death inducing activities simple pleasures for me.

In essence I just want to be left alone to inflict this damage to myself.

Friday afternoon I exit the mall, make the right turn down the sidewalk, and trudge about 20 yards away from the mall entrance, only to be followed by someone. A short rotund old lady rose off the bus waiting bench her ass was warming to speak to me. A non-smoking short rotund old lady.

This sidewalk leads to... exactly nowhere. Exactly the place a polite smoker goes to smoke. (You know, away from short rotund old ladies as a matter of fact.)

As I see her waddling toward me I turn away from her and wander down another 5 yards to the end of the sidewalk to nowhere. I turn to see this hasn't deterred her advance upon me. It then hit me what she was after, or so I thought at the time, she wanted a cigarette. As she draws nearer I dig one out, and my lighter. I figured I'd just save some time, hand it over, and be able to smoke in peace.

Wrong move apparently, as the following conversation took place:

Short Rotund Old Lady: Put that damn thing away.
Me: Um, okay.
Short Rotund Old Lady: Nasty damn habit.
Me: What can I do for you ma'am?
Short Rotund Old Lady: Young man, don't you know those things can kill you?
Me: Well ma'am, you're not the first to tell me that.
Short Rotund Old Lady: I used to smoke myself. If I can quit anyone can. You need to quit smoking. Now I can't even stand the smell of those damn things any more.
Me: Is this what you came over here for?
Short Rotund Old Lady: Yes. 
Me: Well, thanks for the advice, but I've got to get back to work.
Short Rotund Old Lady: Are you going to quit?
Me: Ma'am, really, thank you for your concern, but no I'm not going to quit.
Short Rotund Old Lady: Don't you care about your health? Don't you have any will power?
Me: Ma'am I'm sure your intentions are very good here, but I don't know you, I'm not bothering anyone, unless they decide to chase me down and give me a lecture, so I think it's just best if we part ways now.
Short Rotund Old Lady: So now you're scared of an old lady, huh?
Me: Okay ma'am, my boss is a pretty understanding guy so I guess we can discuss this a little more if you really want to. I can deal with crazy intrusive people when necessary.
Short Rotund Old Lady: I'm not crazy, and whatever that other word is either!
Me: Ma'am, you got off a bench that is located about 10 yards from the mall entrance, followed me approximately 35 yards away from said bench, to intrude upon my time. My much preferred alone time and much preferred alone spot away from people who don't like the smell and second hand smoke of cigarettes. Now.....

(And then I stop and remind myself she's an old lady. Just walk away I tell myself, walk away. 

As I start to step around her she grabs my arm.)

Short Rotund Old Lady: Don't you care about your health? What about the cost smoking puts on our health care system? We all have to pay for this nasty habit you know. I'm a senior citizen who has trouble paying for insurance as it is. This habit costs all of us.

(Fuck, fuck, fuck.... ah fuck it.)

Me: Ma'am, I'm going to leave you with a thought about the cost of health care. One just as valid as the one you're trying to shove up my ass. There are studies that have shown obesity costs us far more than smoking does. I'm willing to make a deal with you. I'm going to guess that you're approximately 75 pounds overweight. When you lose 50 of those pounds come back and see me. I'll quit smoking and we can crusade together hitting up every buffet in the state railing against the people who fill up more than 3 plates of food. We can wreak havoc and mayhem stealing their plates, blocking the buffet line, overturning the dessert bar, what ever it takes, all in the name of caring about their health and the obesity problem plaguing this country. Is that a deal?
Short Rotund Old Lady: What? Huh? What are you talking about?
Me: Nothing, I'm just talking about my need to get back to work, and away from busybodies.
Short Rotund Old Lady: You just don't.... what are you....? I'm confused.
Me: Yes you are, but have a nice day regardless.

So now I'm not only a non-social smoker but an asshole as well. I reduced myself from six feet tall to about 6 inches tall in stature in less than 5 minutes. Man, I know better than this. If this person had been my age, or younger, there would be absolutely no remorse, and probably harsher words said in all reality. I'm hoping I was just tired though due to only getting about 4 hours of sleep the night before. I'm usually polite and deferring to senior citizens. Even crazy ones. Damn.   

Friday, October 29, 2010

Just Some Random Crap Not Involving Holiday Cheer, Or The Worthless Co-Worker For A Change

I hear you folks, really I do as you traverse the mall lamenting the fact that stores are decked out for Christmas already and Halloween hasn't gone by yet. It is ridiculous. (I'm somewhat proud of the fact we don't do this until the day before Thanksgiving.)

But when you raise your voices and decide to tell the peon who works in a particular store your thoughts about this travesty you're wasting your time. They're simply following rules and store policy. Berating them makes you look like an idiot. If this is a true beef you have may I make a suggestion here?

(Of course I can, it's my blog.)

Simply ask for the address and/or phone number to their corporate headquarters. Convey this message to those @$$holes. They're the ones calling the shots. Believe me, we're behind you 100%.

While voicing, or writing your displeasure, there are a few other things you could mention as well. We'd absolutely love you to pieces if you'd let them know how much the following is ridiculous as well:

1) Black Friday should be abolished. Not the entire day, just the ridiculous start of the day. Trust me, getting up at 3:30 am in the morning to be at the store by 4:30 am isn't something I really look forward to. Since we're open 12 hours a day as it is that should be plenty of time to get your shopping addiction in for deals. We might even be capable of pulling off a smile or two that day if we didn't have to get up so damn early in the day. Plus people die that day from your ridiculous stampede for deals, which really aren't deals anyway, every damn year. And the people who camp out all night in front of a store? Total fruit loops of the highest degree.

2) Holiday music doesn't need played from November 1st through the first week of January. While you may wax nostalgic about hearing a Christmas tune from long ago you haven't heard in awhile we're shell shocked by the 2nd week of November.

3) The twelve days of Christmas also need abolished as well. Those twelve days are the ones leading up to December 25th in the retail world. You know the ones, where we're open 18-20 hours a day because you don't possess the ability to get your shopping done in the normal 12 hours a day we're usually open. We have no sympathy for you. As I once asked my parents, two full time working parents with 5 children mind you, if they ever had trouble getting their shopping done back in the dark ages when stores were only open 8 hours a day, and rarely on weekends, the answer was no. It can be done. Get your shit together.

4) Parking. We're ordered to park miles away as far as possible from the mall during this period. While there is validity behind this, because after all, we're trying to fleece you out of as much money as possible this time of the year, you could also raise one tiny issue for us here as well. Shoppers rarely get the "good" parking spots anyway. We have a rather large population of mall walkers, who never shop the mall, they simply walk the mall. Trust me, we have them identified. How much sense is it to allow people who want to walk, park the closest to the mall entrances, so they don't have to fucking walk. We'd love to see their asses towed away.

In closing, raise your voices to the right people. But to tell you the truth the right people are essentially you, the inept and spoiled shopper. If you weren't sheep none of this would occur in the first place. You're the ones who enabled this "corporate greed" you wail about by your actions, and/or inaction. Feel free to cast away your cloak of hypocrisy. Or just simply get your shit together. If you're unable to manage that, keep your mouth shut around us, we're really not interested in hearing about the "corporate greed" you're actually feeding.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

A Journey Down Memory Lane

You know, now that the time is nearing that the Worthless Co-Worker will no longer be with us, I've been thinking about the number of "worthless co-workers" we've had here the past eight years. She's not the first by any means, just the most bizarre one to date.

We'll get to that in a minute or so though.

As I was off on Monday and Tuesday a few more details have emerged about the current Worthless Co-Worker. Yesterday I worked all day be myself with no contact from the Worthless Co-Worker. The boss on the other hand called in, I think to make sure I was awake, and to let me in on a few more details.

1) Her resignation has been accepted, and there's no going back on it. He stated she's now having second thoughts though, but too little too late. Once it's in writing, and accepted, it's at the company discretion and they've decided she's done on November 27th, or possibly sooner. A job opening at our location is already posted on our internal intranet as well.

2) Apparently Tuesday was quite interesting. She resigned on Monday, wavered on Tuesday, and thought she could just simply withdraw her resignation. (The boss stated he warned her on Monday if she had any doubts, she shouldn't formally resign. She apparently couldn't be talked out of it then.) So on Tuesday she's pissed and throws the boss under the bus. (No surprise there, I had repeatedly warned him this would some day happen.)

3) A conference call was held involving her, Personal Dept., the boss, and his boss.

PET PEEVE ALERT:  As with any other hip personal department, in their own mind anyway, they are now to be referred to as the "Human Capital Department." Those words will never be uttered by me. I find this new name offensive. Every time I see or hear those words I get a mental picture of a fucking cattle yard. I don't "moo" for anybody.

(Unless she's a hot, young, (but legal) nubile babe. Gotta keep it legal you know. I have no interest in jail time.

Who am I kidding.

At my age just that thought, if dwelt upon too long, would give me a stroke or heart attack. Better keep them hot babes away I guess, for health reasons if nothing else. I'm sure they're relieved as well. I'm quite certain the thought of an old wrinkly dude like me isn't very appealing to them anyway.)

Anyway, back to the conference call.

Since the Worthless Co-Worker is essentially unemployed in about four weeks or less she decided to bring up every imaginable offense or wrong doing of the boss over the past year. So he's in some hot water now as well. Not the firing type of hot water, but some formal discipline to be named later, type of hot water. I'm pretty sure it also involves no pay raise for him at the beginning of the year, and stuff.

4) I received a phone call from the bosses boss yesterday. One of those "hush, hush, what the hell has been going on there" calls. I've known this guy for eight years, which is five years longer than my boss has. He knows I won't "bullshit" him, which I didn't, but definitely cleared up a few things about this crap. The bottom line is my boss is too nice of a guy, and his boss needs to make him meaner. We'll see how that goes.

I think we're up to date now on this latest bit of Worthless Co-Worker news. As stated, eons ago in this post, we've had other less than stellar people here. When we're fully staffed, we're a three person store operation. It seems that the 3rd person is never quite up to par.

(Although we did go through most of 2007, and part of 2008 with a solid crew. Maureen, if you ever find this blog please consider coming back.

That will never happen though, she transferred to another store due to being promoted to store manager there.)

So, other less than stellar people we've had in the past:

1) Alison aka obnoxious bitch.

This woman was in her mid fifties, about 5'3" tall, and every bit as wide as she was tall. Always broke, but a compulsive shopper. Always dieting, but would eat bags and bags of candy daily bragging how well her diet was going because she always skipped lunch. (Honey you didn't skip lunch, you ate all damn day long and you chewed with your mouth open depositing food on your ample chest for all to see and be sickened by.) It's safe to say I detested her.

And while some of you may consider this mean of me, she shopped at Victoria's Secret about once a month, or more, and always insisted I needed to see what she bought to surprise her husband with. Um, no I didn't. While I applaud the fact that your husband and you wanted to keep the "sexy" in your life, I had no desire to entertain the thought of you in skimpy underwear. (And no, not just based entirely on her weight, but I'm an honest person, for the most part, and 325 pounds and skimpy underwear don't compute. No one needs to show me that regardless of their weight though. It's tacky, especially at her age.)

She was a thief. Not the conventional kind though. As part of our salary is based on sales commissions she stole sales. Never from me, because I was on to her. She altered information in the computer to do this. While I knew she was doing this it took months to actually prove it. It was quite a process and too involved to go into details here. (I have a tendency to write long enough posts as it is.) But caught she was, and fired.

2) Lisa aka wannabe teeny bopper

This woman was 60 years old and no man, regardless of age was safe in the mall. She had had so much plastic surgery her face didn't move. Her attire was totally inappropriate and she shopped at teeny bopper stores exclusively.

I remember coming to work one day and finding her pissed off. When I asked her what her problem was she stated "Some guy was in here earlier and said I was probably hot when I was younger, I'm still hot and he was an asshole." We didn't get along very well after that day. I told her I never pictured her as hot, no matter the age, just ridiculous.

She actually broke up a marriage due to having an affair with some guy in the mall. We also had two different wives come into the store and confront her because of her crazy crap with their husbands. While I never got to witness this we had other stores report to us her "actions" with numerous guys in the store when she worked alone. Apparently she put on quite a show.

Oddly she lasted six months due to a very naive boss (not the current one) who just couldn't believe all these nasty rumors about her. This woman was always on her best behavior around the boss and no matter how many people told her about this crap she didn't believe it. Finally, a relative of the boss who was shopping one day witnessed Lisa in action and reported it. Then the shit finally hit the fan and she was fired.

There's been a few others, but I'm already bored with this myself now. Plus I'm getting tired and bleary eyed.

So time with the Worthless Co-Worker is winding down. I'm sure I'll be getting her side of the story later today when I work with her. Should be bizarre and comical. (And yes, I'm going to take full advantage of the time left of her employment for blog filler during the duration of her time with us.)

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Crazy Knows No Bounds: Part Two

We left off the last post with the news of the Worthless Co-Worker turning in her resignation and the fact that she's getting married. (See previous post if you haven't kept up.)

I lamented the fact to not being at work Monday and seeing the boss and her in action when she broke this news to him. The comedy of them two arguing all day over her idiocy is, quite frankly, a lot of fun for me to witness at times. I'm sure I'll get to see more of it though, since her last day of work is apparently November 27th.

Hang on here a second folks. I'm hungry and there's ice cream in the freezer. You're just going to have to wait for a bit for me to finish this post. (Why yes, I do think some of you people are psychic, or something, and can actually see this post as it's being written. I can actually see the look on your faces as the words appear here as my fingers race sputter across my keyboard. Just relax, I eat ice cream rather quickly.)

I have to tell you this Country Rich Chocolate Revel Ice Cream is great stuff. It's even the "Original Taste" as per the container. While I can't attest to the taste of the "Unoriginal Taste" they must have once sold, this stuff is good.

So good as a matter of fact, could you folks possibly wait a little longer if I got a second bowl?


Fricken babies.

Where were we?

Oh yes, the fantasy world of the Worthless Co-Worker and her latest revelation stupidity.

So I got a second phone call on Monday from work. It was from her naturally, and placed after the boss went home for the day. It started out innocently enough though... as you're about to witness.

(That's if I can get my mind off of ice cream. But damn, that was a mighty tasty treat. And yes, I still want a second bowl you big babies. Okay, okay, no more ice cream. But I am going to take a smoke break or two here. There are some type of labor laws that can be applied here, or something.)

I know, I know, the phone call is what you're here for, so here it is. (And as always, we're relying on my incredible memory, but it'll be fairly accurate.)

Worthless Co-Worker: Hey! Can you do me a favor?
Me: No, I'm not walking you down the aisle.
Worthless Co-Worker: So (store manager ) already told you, huh?
Worthless Co-Worker: I'm not calling about that. I need a favor.
Worthless Co-Worker: Can we trade shifts on Thursday. I have my belly dance class that night.
Me: Sure.
Worthless Co-Worker: Really, you'll switch?
Me: I don't really care what shift I work. You know that. So, yes.
Worthless Co-Worker: Great! How was your day off by the way?
Me: Better than yours from what I've heard.
Worthless Co-Worker: What did (store manager) tell you?
Me: How did you get knocked up by the way?
Worthless Co-Worker: I'm not pregnant. Why did he tell you that!?!?
Me: He didn't. It's just a random question I thought I'd throw at you.
Worthless Co-Worker: Oh. So what did he tell you?
Me: You're quitting and getting married.
Worthless Co-Worker: Is that it?
Me: Well no, he had plenty to say, but that's just it in a nutshell.
Worthless Co-Worker: I know you've got things to say about it. Might as well get it out of the way. 
Me: Nope.
Worthless Co-Worker: You don't?
Me: I'm not into wasting my time.
Worthless Co-Worker: What do you mean by that?
Me: You're going to go through with this no matter what I say. You're the type of person who has to learn everything the hard way. So I'm not into wasting my time with an idiot.
Worthless Co-Worker: What do you mean I'm an idiot?
Me: Just that simple question alone is enough evidence of your ignorance. 
Worthless Co-Worker: No one supports me. My family, friends, and you guys at work. Why can't you be happy for me?
Me: Trust me there are levels of happiness here just simply knowing you're quitting. You know exactly what I think and would say about this. And it wouldn't change a thing.
Worthless Co-Worker: You've never liked me.
Me: Untrue. You just don't matter to me. There's really no like or dislike involved. To me you alternate between being a mild irritant to mildly amusing. Nothing more, nothing less. I just simply have to work with you. I'm not responsible for your actions, or lack of them, at work. Basically, you're not my problem.
Worthless Co-Worker: That's kind of mean.
Me: Possibly.
Worthless Co-Worker: What if I told you I'd listen to you?
Me: Trust me (Worthless Co-Worker), I'd love to tell you about life in general. But your sense of reality is non-existent, hence I'm not into wasting my time.
Worthless Co-Worker: You don't understand. I've prayed about this and God has told me he's the one.
Me: So what does God say about him having three felony convictions, the fact that he has nothing to do with his children, the fact that he denies that three of them are actually his, and that his mail all originates from Tennessee and he lives in New Mexico? I could go on, but how about just these things?
Worthless Co-Worker: I've told you he's explained all of those things.
Me: Forget it. No wait..... Just tell me how the two of you are going to Israel to get married when he can't even afford to pay for a hotel when he comes here for Thanksgiving to see you?
Worthless Co-Worker: That's all taken care of.
Me: Uh huh. Did he win the lottery?
Worthless Co-Worker: I put the plane tickets on my credit card.
Me: You've got to be kidding me.
Worthless Co-Worker: No, and he's sure he'll be able to cover hotel and food expenses once we get there.
Me: I'm hanging up now. You're a total waste of time.
Worthless Co-Worker: Wait...
Me: No, bye, see you Thursday at work.
Worthless Co-Worker: Um. Okay.

The best part of working (later) today is the fact I'll see neither her, or the boss. For some reason I'm working an open to close shift by myself. My sanity will remain intact for one day anyway.

(And I am going to have that second bowl of ice cream now.)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Crazy Knows No Bounds

I usually have Monday's off, and this was the case this week, along with today. A part of me wished I had been at work though yesterday. As is common with our company we have a meeting twice a month, and always on a Sunday. These are mandatory meetings to attend. (Which is no hardship generally, usually we're all working on weekends anyway. On the rare occasion one of us is off the boss rotates this fairly well to make sure it isn't the same person having to come in on a day off for a 30-45 minute meeting.)

This past Sunday he was the one scheduled off. While he's not a stickler for timeliness when it comes to the Worthless Co-Worker he does insist on being on time for these mandatory meetings. He rants and raves at her every time she's late for a meeting to no avail. This Sunday was no exception.

Honestly they both drive me nuts when it comes to tardiness. Our time clock registers time in 15 minute increments. As an example, if you're scheduled to be at work at 9:30 am and you punch in at 9:37 am, it still registers as 9:30 am. One minute later, it would show 9:45 am. On normal workdays they both play this scheduling quirk to their advantage. It allows them to be 7 minutes late and punch out 7 minutes early and suffer no time loss. They also use it for lunch breaks as well. Timed right, their 30 minute lunch break can be 44 minutes long. In essence they're not on the clock for about 30 minutes a day, but still get paid as if they were. While this seems insignificant, it does add up in the long run.

(The point of the previous paragraph is to point out I'm a bit "old school" when it comes to my job. If I'm getting paid for 8 hours I'm actually on the job for that amount of time. Plus tardiness is a pet peeve of mine, whether work related or not.)

I've pointed out this inconsistency many times to him. He can't expect her to be on time for meetings and let her slide every other day. Along with that it's his example she follows as well, which he doesn't like to hear, but very true.

So Sunday.

I'm there 15 minutes early and so is he. (He adheres to being on time for meetings himself.) We're sitting there shooting the shit, waiting for the Worthless Co-Worker to show up. I wonder aloud how late she'll be and he's all over it. He's confident that as often as he chews her out about being on time for meetings this is the one she'll finally be on time for.

(I offered to wager $10.00 on it but he declined. I think he's been burned a little too often.)

So 10:00 am rolls around and no Worthless Co-Worker. 10:05 comes to pass and no Worthless Co-Worker. He's doing a slow burn. He took no solace in my comment about her tardiness being no skin off my back as I was scheduled to work all day anyway.

(I'm pretty sure I heard him "think", "Fuck you Just Plain Tired." No it wasn't said aloud, just a thought of his I caught clearly.)

Now it's getting close to crunch time, 10:07 am rolls around and I hear the sound of someone running down the mall. Naturally it's her. She's like some old bag lady or something. She has a purse, and generally two other canvas type bags on her when she comes to work. So she's burdened down with 3 bags in essence, a flapping coat, and running in high heels. It's a comical site to behold and one I don't get to see very often. Now the guys at the Verizon kiosk in front of our store see it often and look forward to this daily dash when she's scheduled to open the store.

So she gets punched in, with seconds to spare as far as the quirky time clock is concerned. The boss is staring her down with a mean, stern, and "bossly" like look. Utter. Fail. Once she's punched in she heads to the back room to dispose of all the crap she carries in with her and her coat.

I then calmly state that "it looks like we'll get this meeting started in about 10 minutes." The boss turns his mean look upon me, as I'm smiling at him, and states quite clearly that that wasn't going to happen. I just smiled and waited. He did that slow, but ineffective burn. (And I have to admit he was right. While I didn't actually time her I think she made it out of the back room in 9 minutes. She had to finish putting on her makeup, a daily ritual for her that never gets completely done at home.)

During this time frame he mutters to me he's going to have it out with her, tomorrow though. He didn't want me present because it just isn't right to chew out an employee in front of another employee. Which I happen to agree with. But I also know that's not the real reason. He knows I'd be grinning the whole time, if not actually laughing at the two of them. So she's to get chewed out on Monday, my day off.

My small desire to actually have been at work yesterday has nothing to do with her getting chewed out though. His meaningless and ineffective rants at her mean nothing to me. I missed something else though.

(And yeah, I know you people just read a bunch of paragraphs already and we haven't even hit the crux of the story yet. But every good story needs to be properly set up. So buckle in and read some more. We're almost done, honest.)

She took the wind out of his sail.

I get a phone call yesterday afternoon from work and it's the boss. (I actually ended up getting two calls from work, but the second one will be shared tomorrow, or Thursday. This post is long enough as it is.)

She turned in her resignation. She did actually give one month's notice though. Apparently her last day is going to be November, 27th. After ascertaining he wasn't joking, I wasn't too surprised. I had her pegged as quitting by the end of the year anyway, and without a notice. I was one month off is all.

The reason she's quitting? She's getting married, to the guy I posted about here. (Seriously, for anyone who isn't up to date with her craziness I recommend reading it. This post is long enough without repeating excerpts of that post.)

So she has a guy she's never met in person coming up here for Thanksgiving and two weeks later they're leaving for Israel to get married. They're going to investigate the Jewish faith and if that appeals to them he's going to become a Rabbi, and she's going to be a Rabbi's wife apparently. This is such a well thought out plan.

While I won't really miss her, the blog will. She's been a great source of blogging material for me. I can only hope the boss finds a suitable replacement for her. He is adept at finding less than stellar people, but I don't think he can top this one. But it won't hurt for me to express this desire to him.

Teaser Alert: Oh, that second phone call I mentioned earlier? It was from her last night and it was, without a doubt, the most amazing conversation I've had with her to date. And yes, I'm going to share it. Settle down folks, and have a little patience, and stuff. Wasn't this a long enough read anyway?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The Love Of The Worthless Co-Worker's Life

The Worthless Co-Worker is in love and has a man in her life. Of course this man is someone whom she's never met though, but nevertheless she claims that they're spiritually married. They "met" on some whacked out, off the wall, and loony tune Christian site on the Internet, as well as on Face book about one year ago. Their relationship consists of text messaging, phone calls, snail mail, and Yahoo messenger.

Since she's not very bright one of the stupidest people I've ever met I learned long ago not to offer much of an opinion, or advice to her about this insane "relationship" as she's the type of person who has to learn everything the hard way. She's not smart enough to realize she should be running as fast as she can away from this guy. While I say very little about this to her myself, the boss is beside himself with her ignorance.

He's a pretty nice guy and likes to play the role of "lecturing dad" when it comes to her. I find this highly amusing since he's only 9 years older than her, and it's a waste of time. Her latest revelation has kicked his "lecturing dad" persona into high gear though. She's invited her "spiritual husband" up for Thanksgiving and apparently he's accepted the invite.

(And no, the boss doesn't want to get in her pants. He's happily married, almost sickeningly so, in some people's opinion. It's just the way he is and he hasn't had the opportunity to play "lecturing dad" at our location as often as he did at his last location before he transferred here a few years ago. The staff  he had there was a much younger group than he's had here over all.)

Saturday was a day of listening to them argue about her ignorance about this guy. Like every stupid person I've ever known she shares all details and revelations about this guy. Here, in no particular order, are the reasons she should be running away from this guy:

1) He lives in New Mexico, but all mail she receives from him seems to originate from Tennessee.

2) He has four children, three of which he claims aren't his naturally. (The Worthless Co-Worker feels it's so unfair that the legal system makes him pay child support for the "three that aren't his.") His story is that his ex-wife cheated on him. I've seen a picture of him, with all four children surrounding him. They're carbon copies of him. Exact. Carbon. Copies. All of them.

3) He has nothing to do with his children, which is a fact I do actually believe. His reasoning/justification for this, not so much. His explanation to the Worthless Co-Worker is that since he lives in New Mexico (with a crazy mail service from Tennessee, see item #1) and his ex-wife and children live in Tennessee he doesn't want to confuse the children by being a part of their lives. Naturally this is an accepted and quite plausible reasoning to the Worthless Co-Worker.

4) He's a world traveler. Even when he's in Japan, or Guam, as he's professed to be, all mail seems to still originate from Tennessee. Naturally this is another easily explained phenomenon. While he has nothing to do with his children he states he still gets along with his ex-wife. They get along so well that he first mails correspondence to the Worthless Co-Worker to his ex-wife, then the ex-wife mails it on to her.

5) The Worthless Co-Worker cannot call him. All calls have to originate from him. Oddly enough these phone calls always occur very early in the morning, or very late at night. Of course this is also easily explained as well. Since he's a "world traveler" with a crazy work schedule and life, he has told the Worthless Co-Worker if she calls him she may wake him up. Once again the Worthless Co-Worker sees the reasoning behind this as well. She'd feel horrible disturbing him because he "gets so little sleep."

6) The guy has three felony convictions. One for grand theft auto. (Naturally he was framed.) One for domestic abuse, again innocent as hell, and one which the Worthless Co-Worker hasn't shared as of yet. But she knows he's innocent and the legal system has unmercifully been unfair to him.

7) The Thanksgiving invite. Since he's a world traveler and his "company" is woefully behind on expense checks, he can't afford a hotel for Thanksgiving when he comes up here. (Along with the unfair child support as well.) So he's bunking with her apparently.

I think you folks get the picture and that's the intelligence she possesses. The boss and her argued all day long about this. My only input was to ask if she planned on bringing this fine specimen of a Christian out to meet us that weekend. I was told no. The boss and I are not "Christian enough" to warrant meeting him, as per her words.


Saturday, October 23, 2010

They're Hired

You've got to admire the inefficient and wasteful use of cleaning products, inappropriate use of office furniture, dusting techniques, and use of office phone for personal calls.

Ladies, when can you start here?

Friday, October 22, 2010

So I'm On Twitter

I joined Twitter a couple of weeks ago. Mainly due to seeing a few blog posts from people extolling the site in driving traffic to their blogs.

(Hey, I'm not afraid to admit I want traffic. I think this blog should be required reading, especially for the Mensa type crowd. After all, as intelligent as they may be, I think this place would provide them some satisfaction in their superior intelligence. They could thank their lucky stars that they're not as stupid as me.)

So this means I'm a twit, in more ways than one. But I'm kind of getting into this whole Twitter thing.

One thing that disturbs me though is the ominous message across the top of my Twitter home page that reads:

Psst... the new version of Twitter is here.   Try it now!

Well, psst.... the old version is new to me. Like any other old decrepit geezer I harbor a deep resistance to change. It's human nature, especially the older you get to be, to fear change. When I was younger, not so much fear. I boldly embraced moving on from 8-track tapes to cassettes. I then even moved on from them to CD's. I moved on from leisure suits as well with little to no mental scarring as well. Tidy whities were replaced with boxers.

(I'm still mulling that choice as a not particularly wise one though. I had a pair of boxers which were a little on the short side once and any type of "excitement" allowed a peekage event to occur. You know, kind of like a Jack-In-The-Box scenario. You get "Jack" wound up enough even he's going to pop out on you.

That probably isn't one of my prouder revelations shared here. But I take solace in the fact that there'll be others as mind numbing as that one displayed in the future.)

Anyway, back to Twitter.

So I stare at this message and recall when "new Twitter" was a trending topic. Most of the comments were unflattering. (See, even an old decrepit geezer like me investigates, and in this case to see my fear may not be unfounded.) So I haven't hit that "Try it now!" button. But I know one day I'm going to log in to Twitter and the new version is going to be the only version. I guess I'll muddle through some how.

But back to what I like about Twitter is the blogs I've found, and liked, and either added to my follower list or blogroll. This has been a great source for finding great blogs to read. I've got to tell you there are some talented and seriously funny people there. I aspire to be like them.

I don't have a huge following as of yet. I guess people haven't embraced following a stupid and needy persona, such as mine, to date. But I'm hopeful.

If you're inclined, feel free to hit that "Follow Me On Twitter" link in my sidebar. I promise you a world of fabulously witty mundane and boring ass tweets of mine to peruse. Especially if you're a part of the Mensa crowd, and stuff. Your feeling of superiority will soar.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

The Worthless Co-Worker's Short Day

After having Monday and Tuesday off from work I was looking forward to returning to work yesterday. Not necessarily because I love my job by any means though. (Although I do like my job, just can't drum up some love for it.)

The reason for looking forward to returning to work was a bit evil I must confess. The boss was out of town attending some important type work meeting, probably enhancing his career getting his ass chewed for some performance issue or another. I knew I had the pleasure of working with the Worthless Co-Worker.

This girl loves purple in an insane, unhealthy way. Her living room furniture is purple, or so she says. Special ordered as a matter of fact, because most furniture show rooms don't show purple, much to her consternation.

(I have a feeling some of you know where this is heading. You're evil people too, which gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. At least when it comes to the Worthless Co-Worker.)

For those not sure where this is heading, yesterday was a day reserved to "Combat Anti-LGBT Cyberbullying" due to the recent suicides and harassment of gay people. Wearing purple was a sign of support for this issue.

The Worthless Co-Worker was decked out in purple, because that's all she wears. As she's a phony holy roller it definitely wasn't in support of this issue. She was clueless as a matter of fact to what significance wearing purple meant yesterday. (As I'm sure many people were.) Had she known, she wouldn't have worn purple. Her righteousness and homophobic traits would have kicked in. I'm not even sure she owns any other colored clothes. But had she known about this day, and the significance of purple, she would have called in sick if her wardrobe had no other colors.

When I arrived at work the Worthless Co-Worker was giddy. She couldn't wait to see me. Surprisingly, to me anyway, she had noted a lot of people were wearing purple in the mall yesterday. As I'm known for teasing her occasionally relentlessly about her obsession with purple she wanted me to see the large number of people in purple. This somehow validated her obsession with this color seeing the unusually large number of purple clad people.

I asked her a couple of innocent sly questions to ascertain her ignorance of the significance of the day and she was clueless. No surprise there. I then complimented her on her purple attire and waited to spring a little surprise on her.

Lately she likes to take lunch break outside for "fresh air." When she asked me how nice it was outside I dutifully told her she'd probably like it, but I recommended she wear her jacket if she was heading outdoors to eat. (Naturally, her purple jacket.)

So she heads to the back room to get her jacket and announces she's heading out for lunch. While she's back there I'm making a sign to tape to the back of her jacket that simply states "STOP THE ABUSE." As she comes strolling out of the back room I casually mention to her not to forget to punch out (she's notorious for not punching out) and while she's at the computer punching out the sign gets placed on her back.

And out she goes.

Shortest. Lunch. Break. Ever. (for her anyway)

She's back in the store within 10 minutes, seriously pissed off. Oh. The. Horror. She was accosted and hugged by a lesbian, and profusely thanked for her support.

She was totally berserk. (My laughter wasn't going over well apparently.) After screaming and stomping around the store for a few minutes she announces she's going home.

When I asked if she was coming back her answer was no. Not only does she not have another set of clothes to change into, or she's willing to change in to, she has to take a shower and get the "creepy lesbian aura" washed off. After telling me how hateful I was, and I returning that compliment to her, with that concept completely going over her head, she left.

It's funny how the "more Christian" a person professes to be, the more hateful they really seem to be. She has no comprehension whatsoever.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Juvenile Antics At Work

I've discovered you can say almost anything to customers at work that you're having fun with. I love people like that. (Heavy emphasis on the word "almost.")

A nice young lady who'll I'll refer to as Anita has been in and out of the store for about a year debating about ordering one of our products. (The reason for referring to her as Anita is quite simple, that's her name, duh.)

Anyway, I like her and she's goofy as hell, but seriously interested in buying. I just knew it was going to be a matter of time before she pulled the trigger. The other reason for liking her is that she always asks for me, and when part of your wages are based on commission, you like to be requested.

(Hey, I'm a nice guy and all, but money talks.)

Last Sunday Anita walks in, locates me, and says it's time to order. As we walk to the back register counter the following conversation takes place:

Me: So you're going to go with what you've been lusting after for the last year, right?
Anita: Yes!
Me: I just wanted to make sure, in case you changed your mind. We wouldn't want to order the wrong thing.
Anita: Nope, I haven't changed my mind at all.
Me: Good, I'll just have to get some information from you then. What's your full name and address?
Anita: Oh, you need my full name?
Me: It's helpful, so yes.
Anita: Oh gawd. Promise me you won't laugh.
Me: Um, okay.
Anita: My full name is Anita Nicewanger, my address is.....blah, blah, blah.
Me: (as professionally as possible) Can you repeat......
Anita: NO!!!
Me: ....your address for me so we don't ship this expensive item to one of your neighbors?
Anita: Oh, sorry, sure.

So we finish up the transaction paperwork and payment method.

Anita: I want to thank you for not laughing at my name.
Me: Not a problem Anita. You're married, right?
Anita: I am.
Me: So you got what you wanted then, right? You have to admire that.
Anita: OH! MY! GAWD! I never looked at it that way, that's hilarious and something I can use to the assholes who make fun of my name. I'll just tell 'em I got what I wanted. This will be an ego booster to my husband too. I knew I always liked dealing with you when I came in here.
Me: I've always liked dealing with you too Anita. Now can you leave so I can laugh?
Anita: You're such a kidder.

And off she went, and happily I might add, with my laughter floating after her as well.

Monday, October 18, 2010

So I'm Not Awfully Bright And Other Troubling Things

I left my car unlocked at work yesterday. I never always leave my car unlocked. Not terribly bright, but there's nothing in there to steal, or so I thought.

While I didn't catch, or see the thief, I have the perfect visual of the miscreant. A wild-haired nicotine freak with hunger pains. Yesterday was one of the few times there were things in the car that were worth stealing. The items not stolen were a set of golf clubs in trunk, two packs of cigarettes in glove compartment, 12-pack of diet Coke, small bag of fishing lures worth $97.34 as per the receipt, and two new paperback books from Barnes and Noble.

What was taken? The car cigarette lighter and my lunch club card to Old Country Buffet. I drove home from work last night without the ability to light the cigarette dangling between my lips and the knowledge that lunch is now going to cost me an extra $1.00 every time I eat at the buffet.

A pretty miserable and tragic ride home and one which no one can possibly match the heartache I'm going through with the loss of those items. Don't even try try to top this with any tale of woe happening in your life right now. You'll just look silly and pathetic in any attempt to draw attention to yourself and take away the outpouring of sympathy I'm expecting to see for me in the comment section. You've got your own blog to beg for sympathy, so feel free to beg there for it.

(Now that reality is setting in, feel free to beg for sympathy for your tale of woe because you may actually get some sympathy. I'm expecting references to myself as being an idiot.)

My 22 month old granddaughter swears like a sailor.

She came running up to me this afternoon, thrust a hand in the hair, and shouted "Fuck!"


And then she did it again.

I'm saying "No, no honey, don't say that and let's put that sock on your foot you're carrying around. I'm going to have some words with your father when he gets home this afternoon from work about his language."

So she throws the sock at me, points at it, and shouts "Fuck!" once again.

Yeah folks, I am just that quick, nobody needs to be a smart ass and tell me they knew immediately what she was trying to really say. We all know you'd be lying anyway and any attempt to make me feel any dumber than I already feel would be a waste of time. I probably wouldn't get that quickly either.

My son gets home from work and I still feel it's my parental duty to chew his ass about his language anyway. What did I have to lose? After all I'm not very bright. He just laughed and asked how many times I had to put her socks back on her feet. He's a smart ass too.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

I Don't Know How We Made It To The Top Of The Food Chain

Despite the advance of science, medicine, and education we're still a very primitive species. In many ways we've regressed from generations of past. Past generations like to remind us of this frequently, and it's getting harder to disagree with them.

Another possibility to consider is the fact that with the advent of the Internet and 24 hour news channels our primitive and unsavory behaviors are more readily seen and shared instantly. Bad news sells.

Regardless of which my be true, whether we've regressed, or the news is more readily available then in the past, we suck. While society has made great gains in science and technology, gains in human nature and behavior haven't made the same gains. We're all about finding cures for deadly diseases, a better understanding and knowledge of the Universe, military superiority, technologies for making life easier and faster, and many other countless innovations. None of which are bad. But we're failing as a society to put the same effort and resources for societal improvements.

Common sense and human decency, which some may argue hasn't regressed, hasn't made significant strides of improvement either. If we're getting smarter, and life, from the standpoint of technology, is getting easier, why not the same level of improvements with human behavior?

The answer is simple. We as a society haven't put the same emphasis and expectations for this issue to improve as we have other advancements. We've taken the easy way out because for most of us the horrors inflicted on humanity don't hit close enough to home, or at least often enough, to put any true concerted effort into stopping them. It's easier to turn a blind eye to it. We don't even have to leave our country to see this.

In the past week alone you can find enough news to disgust you with the actions, words, and behavior of people. A few examples that stick out:

1) An off-duty police officer in Baltimore is murdered because of an argument over a parking space. A. Parking. Space. He gets hit over the head with a brick over a parking space. Why in the scheme of human decency, does an argument over a parking space occur? It doesn't matter who actually instigated this, or let it escalate, both parties are morons of the highest order. Who hasn't lost out on a parking space? Who hasn't been cut off in traffic at one time or another? It's an irritating event. End of 'effin story. You move on down the row, or street, park your car, and walk a few extra steps. Hell, for some people this would be a blessing, they can walk off the extra calorie intake from that lunch at McDonald's.

2) Bill O'Reilly goes on the View and proclaims that he's against a Muslim Mosque being erected at "Ground Zero" because "Muslims killed us on 9-11." I want to type that he's smart enough to know better, but I have serious doubts that he is actually smart.

Using O'Reilly's logic when Timothy McVeigh blew up the Federal building in Oklahoma City it could be argued that American military veterans, or catholics, for that matter, blew up the Federal building in Oklahoma City. McVeigh was both a veteran and professed Catholic.

This "Muslim" mosque at "Ground Zero" is actually located two blocks from there. It's not a mosque, but a cultural center which may contain a prayer room. O'Reilly and Fox News don't share that information though. They're more interested in flaming uneducated Americans into a biased hatred of an entire segment of a society or religion. Blanket condemnations and accusations bring higher ratings though. Accurate reporting and the truth play second fiddle.

Do the Muslims have a problem? You bet your ass they do. They need to get a handle on the extremists of their faith and make some progress in educating future generations at the very least on this sad chapter and segment of their faith. Catholics need to get a handle on their clergy sexually abusing children. We don't accuse every Catholic as being a sexual predator though. I don't even want to get into the problems every religious faith has right now. The number of people killed, maimed, or tortured, in the name of religion throughout the world and history is appalling. Suffice to say we haven't learned much there.

3) Two men are arrested north of where I live for sexually abusing a nine-year-old girl. The girl's mother, by initial reports, was present and had full knowledge of this horrifying crime. WTF is the matter when a parent allows this to happen? I'm sure many of you can report the same type of news in your vicinity as well.

When is this going to stop? When, as a society, are we going to step up to the plate and say enough is enough? When are we going to tackle societal behavior issues with the same tenacity as creating mass weapons of destruction? Or are we going to wait for us to destroy ourselves without the use of said weapons?

How we're located at the "top of the food chain" amazes me sometimes.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

A Cringe Worthy Day

For the folks who have been reading the nonsense I spew since I started this blog  you've become accustomed to the the posts featuring the Worthless Co-Worker. Hopefully they've entertained you, at least in the way most people would view an automobile accident scene as they drive by. (You know it isn't going to be pretty, but you have to look anyway.)

While she's mainly a mild irritant, and somewhat amusing sideshow for me, she can send the boss into orbit with her antics and stupidity. I just roll with the soap opera. Plus he ultimately is the one responsible here. He hired her, trained her, and has refused to hold her responsible for her actions at work. She's his nightmarish creation so to speak.

But this post isn't about her. (Well, not any more, unless the keyboard gets away from me.)

I have days that I'm sure I irritate the boss as well. The funny thing is he'd never admit this though. He's twelve years younger than I am. He was raised to respect his elders and that seems to extend to me. When he has a problem with me he's the most rational, polite, and deferring person I've ever met in my life. He has this weird, and definitely unfounded, fear of me for some reason. And he shouldn't. I've told him many, many times to speak his mind. He knows I appreciate the direct approach and straight talk.

(Hell, I'm not physically imposing, I'm rational, fair-minded, and too damn old to get excited about this kind of thing anyway.)

But I can tell when he's not overly pleased with something I've done. He cringes. His cringes are Oscar worthy performances. Friday produced such an event.

Friday's Cringe Worthy Event:

This guy walks into the store and glances around, sees me as I'm approaching him, and the following conversation takes place:
Guy: Where can I find (a competitor's store/product?)
Me: Excuse me?
Guy: I looked in the phone book to find (your competitor's store) and have been driving around this area for 45 minutes and can't find them. I knew where you were located so I thought I'd stop in since I figured you know where they'd be located.
Me: I do know where they're located, but since your here, would you like to check out our product, at least for comparison purposes?
Guy: Look fella, I don't have time for games, I've already wasted enough of my time as it is. Can you just please tell me where they're located?
Me: Well, sir, I'm certainly pleased you saw fit to come in here and waste my time.


Guy: What did you say?
Me: Let me get you on your way. I have the feeling you're the type of guy who'd stop at a Ford dealership and ask them where you could buy a Chevy.
Guy: Why would I do that asshole?
Me: Never mind, apparently this conversation has reached a point well above your level of perception, here's the directions....... and have a great day.
Guy: Thanks for nothing jerk.
Me: You too, sir.

My tolerance for what I perceive as disrespect is close to zero. Many people like to share "horror" stories about how they were mistreated by a retail or customer service person or department. It happens, there's no doubt about it, and it's not right. But unless you've worked retail, or customer service, you are clueless about the abuse shelled out by customers. Unwarranted abuse and mistreatment of retail and customer service people by customers is a far greater occurrence.

So the boss cringes, shakes his head, somewhat sadly, and the day moves forward.

But I do have a question for anyone who wants to answer. (And no, it's not whether you agreed or disagreed with my actions.) It's actually about your perception of people who work in the retail, restaurant, or any type of service sector. While this question doesn't necessarily apply to you, do you feel as though (in general) people look down upon people who work in these jobs and feel a certain right, or superiority to them, that allows them to treat them with less respect? I certainly have days where I think this is the case.

Friday, October 15, 2010

An Open Letter To David Arquette

Dear David,

I stopped myself from writing this letter last week. I almost felt bad for you when I heard that you and Courtney Cox were splitting up. When a frumpy, little to no talent, and annoying man snags a beauty like Cox many of us guys would harbor a little hate for you. But not I. You actually provided many of us frumpy, little to no talent, and annoying guys inspiration and hope that perhaps we could snag a beauty some day ourselves.

Of course I couldn't help but wonder how you did this. But hey, matters of the heart are sometimes unexplainable. It made me a true believer in the age old adage that "love is blind." It made me believe I could find a half-blind beauty myself.

When the two of you released the statement last week announcing your split I was a wee bit perplexed though.

Stating how much the two of you still loved and respected each other is never a good thing for a marriage. Why most couples I know, who've ever split up, feel that same exact way. I'm sure they've fallen ever so more deeply in love, and wallowed in over powering respect for one another that a split is the best way to handle it. You cannot possibly stay together relying on those two attributes. We all know this.

But then a light bulb went off here. Since I think you're a seriously loserly weird guy and Cox, while a beauty, may be as loserly weird as you, I just knew you two were up to something. This was a definite publicity stunt to prove that absence does make the heart grow fonder. I was feeling quite smug. You know David, you've got to get up pretty damn early in the morning to get anything by me.

But you did.

I'm sure you felt that going on Howard Stern's radio show was an excellent idea to preserve that love and respect aspect of your relationship. Telling the public the two of you haven't had sex in over four months is one way to endure yourself to any woman. You're a genius David! Also revealing that Courtney is tired of having to act "like a mother to you" is an excellent sign of a strong and loving relationship as well. Courtney had to be thrilled you let us in that little gem as well.

(I've got to tell you David I'm a little weirded out by that one myself. Most guys I know, even utterly loserly immature ones like you, don't wanted to be considered as a child. And I'm pretty sure she felt having sex with a child was a bit weird too.)

But you didn't stop there did you David. You had one more nail for your coffin and had to use it. Telling a woman she has issues in private is a dicey proposition. Doing it in public is relationship suicide. You've thrown me into utter despair here David. I feel very bad.

Not for you, loserly weird guy. For me.

While you once provided inspiration and hope that frumpy, little to no talent, and annoying guys may have a shot with a beauty we now know it would be a charade. We'd end up heartbroken. So thanks David, thanks a lot.


Just Plain Tired

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Things That Do Actually Amuse Me About The Worthless Co-Worker

I think it's time to lighten things up a bit in here. So here's a few things about the Worthless Co-Worker which amuse me.

(Your amusement may vary wildly from mine though.)

I remember the day the day the manager stalked out of the stock room/break room and asked me if I ate his container of cashews. I think I just stared at him without replying. He then figured out who ate his cashews. His unopened by him cashews as a matter of fact. All that was left was the empty container for him to stare at.

So he confronts the Worthless Co-Worker about this, and to her credit, she fesses right up to it. When asked why she would do that her reply was, "You can't leave food around here, especially when I'm hungry. What do you expect me to do when I'm hungry and too broke to buy my own food?"

(For the record my food is apparently off limits though. She knows what my reaction would be I guess.)

She made a friend the other day at the mall. We have a recently opened kiosk in front of our store. Some gold buying scam outfit by the looks of it. There's a tall leggy blonde who works their part time who Worthless Co-Worker gushes over. Apparently they have deep "spiritual" conversations. As per the Worthless Co-Worker's words, "she's a Christian, unlike me or the boss."

She's a stripper. I had this figured out the first time I saw her. This leggy blonde uses her "stage walk" as she struts back and forth in front of her kiosk. While I personally have nothing against that noble profession the Worthless Co-Worker was beside herself with this knowledge. (Because yes, she had to immediately go out and ask this girl if it were true.) Needless to say they're no longer friends.

And then there's the last incident where she left the store key at home and called me to come out to the store to lock up for her. You know the incident, where the boss forbade her from calling me out to do this?

When I asked her why she called me, when he didn't want her to do that, her reply was "He didn't forbid me from calling you. All he said was that he didn't want me to call you. That's not the same thing. He knows he has to be more clear than that with me."

That's the reality of working with this delusional person. So yes, on occasion she does amuse me.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

My Boss Is Too Nice Of A Guy

As stated in a previous post the Worthless Co-Worker is still employed.

(Going here will bring you up to speed on the latest idiocy involving her.)

What's surprising is that no discipline, as in a written warning, was issued. While I personally didn't want to see the silly girl fired, he's making a mistake here in not doling out a disciplinary report. I think this is going to come back and bite him in the ass, which is a shame, because of him being too nice.

He apparently elicited promises from her to improve her attitude, no more whining, and to be on time for work. None of which are likely to happen of course. I had to work with her yesterday and while I have no idea if she opened the store on time, there's no attitude change and the usual amount of whining rang throughout the store.

Sadly he should know better. This girl never hesitates to throw anyone under the bus when she gets in trouble. She takes absolutely no responsibility for her actions. I can't count the number of times when he has an issue with her that she tries to pull me into the mess to try to get me in trouble. As a matter of fact it's every 'effin time. Her defense is always "Well, Just Plain Tired did this, or didn't do that", trying to deflect trouble away from herself on to me. (To the boss man's credit he has always seen through this ploy.)

This came to a head yesterday though. All her whining about what I get away with, and what she doesn't get away with, set me off. This was explained clearly to her. Naturally not by the boss though, and she ended up crying because she "didn't realize what an asshole I could be", in her words. In a nutshell I explained the difference between an asset in the workplace versus dead weight in the workplace.

So what happened after that?

The boss let her go home early because he felt sorry for her. Was he mad at me? No. He just thought I might have been a little harsh on her and didn't want her moping around the store the rest of the day.

Now I like the guy, but WTF.

Normally I don't get involved with disciplinary actions involving other employees but I had to ask him what was he thinking by not, at the very least, writing her up. His reasoning was "You know she's doing the testing to get the next promotional raise, and it's a significant raise. If I write her up the company policy states no advancement, or raises, for anyone who has a written warning in the last six months."

My next question was "Do you honestly think she deserves a raise or advancement?"

His reply, "Of course not, but I feel sorry for her, she's always broke you know."

Of course she always broke. She's a moron when it comes to finances. She just filed bankruptcy last spring, getting rid of all her debts, and is still broke. She has champaign taste, with a beer budget. You could triple her salary and she'd still be broke. She bought eight pair of shoes last week and her latest whining involves wondering if she has enough gas in her car to get to work between now and Friday, which is payday. Suggesting that perhaps a pair, or three, of those shoes should be returned elicited this response from her:

"No way, I deserve them shoes, and I'd never be able to decide which ones to take back anyway. I just love them all." (Sadly this is true, scout's honor, no shit, etc....)

What the boss doesn't realize is that the next time she screws up, and he finally has to discipline her, he's going to be the one who's going to be in trouble. There's no doubt in my mind that she'll throw him under the bus with his boss, because he let this incident slide. He just doesn't get it.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Publication Of One Of Life's Unwritten Rules

Life has many unwritten, and unspoken, rules. I'm going to discuss one of them today.

Many people have unwritten rules though. While they may be good rules they may only fit a specific issue, circumstance, or family. The rule I'm covering is a universal rule for the benefit of all parents. Before the unveiling of this rule a couple myths about rules need debunked.

1) Rules are made to be broken.

No they're not skippy. If a rule is a bad rule it needs to be simply changed or altered. The premise behind most rules are valid, at least at one time.

2) There are exceptions to all rules.

Why yes, yes there are. The problem most people have with this thought process is that they themselves feel they are the exception to a specific rule, or all rules for that matter. I'm here to tell you sport that you're not that special. If someone has failed to tell you this, let me be the first.

You're not that special. You have no special exemption to following rules.

Naturally there are a few valid exceptions to rules. Common sense dictates this. If I have to spell them out for you then you obviously need to follow rules in strict accordance. You're not bright enough to question any aspect of a rule. Look up Darwin's Theory then be thankful modern science/medicine has allowed you to survive as long as you have. 

(See.... that's a perfect example of an exception to a rule. Some of you people would be dead if not for that exception to a rule.)


I have two children. The oldest is about a month from turning 27, the youngest turned 21 last May. Both received a refresher course of this unwritten rule the past two days. No matter the age of your children, their station in life, or possibly the fact they're a genius, this rule applies. (Any questions will be referred to items 1 and 2 of the debunking of rules myths.)

It's a simple rule as follows:

Parents are to be listened to at all times. We've earned this right and respect.

(Think about this for a second. Had we as parents, not bumped uglies, you wouldn't even be here.)

Now here's an important fact to remember about this rule. While you are required to listen, and listen respectfully, if you're of legal age you don't have to heed our words. But you're going to damn well listen. That's simply referred to as learning the hard way, in most cases.

I can honestly say I followed this rule, with the allowable exception to rules stated in item 2 of the debunking of rules myths. My mother was probably certifiably crazy. Years of spousal abuse and alcohol abuse had a hand in this. But she definitely earned the right to be listened to, and listened to with respect. Heeding her words at times, not so much.

But we're talking about normalcy here. You young whipper-snappers need to embrace this rule. Because for the vast majority of you, and heaven help us in some cases, you'll be parents one day yourselves. Keep that in mind. You don't have to wait that long to embrace and follow this rule. Because trust me, as a relatively normal parent, this is a rule you'll expect to be followed yourself one day by your children.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

There Are Times I Wonder Why I Have A Phone

I got off work a couple of hours early yesterday and was looking forward to a quiet Saturday night at the homestead. The place was back to normal after the tsunami hot water heater crisis and the place still has that new carpet smell.

Quiet was on the agenda, in big bold letters. Unfortunately I failed to share said agenda with anyone else. The only consolation I can bask in is that the Worthless Co-Worker is involved in the shattering of my quiet Saturday night plans. That will have to wait a bit to be shared though, she wasn't the first to spoil my agenda, she's just the most entertaining example.

(I have to admit to being a little disturbed at the popularity she's gaining through my blog though. My take on that though is moronic calamities always draw attention. That type of behavior always fascinates though.


and yes, Alicia, I'm going to keep my promise to not use the real name of the Worthless Co-Worker here. The fact that you two share the same name is going to be our little secret. No one will ever know this because I'd never, ever break that sacred bond of trust between us. After today anyway.)

Where was I?

Oh, the shattering of quiet. My phone never stopped ringing.

1st call: Ex-wife called. This is never good. It's not that we don't get along okay, it's just that communication between us involves a problem, or perceived problem, with either the son or daughter. In all fairness she's a great mother, but she's also a great mother who overreacts to everything. I knew which child we'd be discussing before answering the phone.

(Child has had an extremely rough run of bad luck over the last 4-5 months. Nothing I'm going to go into details of, but life hasn't been kind as of late.)

After much hand wringing, cajoling, and hysterics ex-wife elicited a promise that I would call said child to ensure that suicide wasn't in the works. (And no, child isn't suicidal, mother is in full overreaction panic mode.) But I agree that a phone call is warranted to discuss latest life setback with child.

2nd call: That would be me keeping promise to ex-wife. (After all, as was repeatedly stated during first call, said child listens to me better than mother, as per the mother.

Hell, that last sentence even confuses me.

But she's right. Child does listen to me somewhat better. But that doesn't necessarily mean child heeds what I say any better though. She just listens better.)

I put on my magical dad solving problem hat and ascertained child was upset, but definitely not suicidal. Dad solved problem with common sense instructions. Crisis averted and hat removed.

3rd call: Ex-wife again to make sure I called child right away. As is often the case with me, I couldn't help but string her along a little bit here. I told ex-wife that that phone call was in the works but I had a cake that needed frosting first. I think she quit breathing for a full minute on that one. Had we been in the same room, rather than 75 miles apart, my life would have been in peril. I then assured her that no, I don't bake, unless making toast was considered baking, and that the phone call was made, and was a huge success.

4th call: Pretty Vietnamese lady from the mall called. She's somewhat fascinated with me. Sadly for me, that fascination only involves food. Once she found out I was single she determined that I can't possibly be eating right, or often enough, or something. So she cooks, mostly soups, and always sends some home with me. Apparently in my haste to leave work yesterday I had forgotten to stop in where she works to pick up supper. This devastates her. Seriously. So even though I have today and tomorrow off, I'll be running out to the mall to pick up soup later today. I honestly felt bad about forgetting the soup, and she takes this mission, or act of mercy, very seriously. I've never had the heart to tell her that about 50% of what she makes my stomach revolts and refuses to allow entrance. I tell her everything she makes is great. While some of you may frown upon that, you weren't there the first time I told her something she made wasn't something my stomach favored. Life's just easier to bear when pretty Vietnamese lady is happy, trust me.

5th call: Daughter, feigning curiosity if mother put father up to calling her to check up on her. Showed some irritation with this call, since I knew where it was going. Finished this phone call with the certainty child understands, with clarity, that father will brook no more drama this evening between daughter and ex-wife. This call was a success so maybe the ex-wife is right about the child listening to me better than to her.

6th call: Son called. Finally, a voice of reason and sanity. He and his wife had been to a few garage sales. At one, he bought eight cases of brand new golf balls for five dollars. Five. Unbelievably. Cheap. Dollars. And some of them were to be shared with me. He's everything I wanted a son to turn out to be. Conversation did end a bit sadly though. With the addition of this arsenal to his golf bag he wanted to go golfing today with me. Normally this is a no-brainer. Sadly, there's no golfing today for me. Some rat shit bug bit me on the hand last Thursday while we were fishing and my left hand is quite swollen. Swollen to the point I probably can't grip a golf club. We won't even go into details what it's like to take a piss with the preferred "gripping" hand disabled. But it would probably hinder my ability to write my name in a snow bank, if that urge were to hit me.

And finally, the call some of you have been waiting for. Worthless Co-Worker debuts with call number seven of the evening. Naturally this one will be shared with greater detail:

Worthless Co-Worker: I have a problem.
Me: What's new?
Worthless Co-Worker: Can you be serious for a minute?
Me: Now what's wrong?
Worthless Co-Worker: I left my key at home and can't lock the store up.
Me: It's almost 10:00 pm, we close at 9:00 pm. Did you call (store manager)?
Worthless Co-Worker: Yes, and he's really pissed at me.
Me: I'll bet.
Worthless Co-Worker: Can you do me a favor? His wife won't be home until 10:30 and he can't come out here until after then to lock the store. He says I can't go home without locking the store. Can you believe that shit?
Me: Um, yeah, actually I can believe "that shit."
Worthless Co-Worker: Can you come out here and lock the store so I can leave? I don't want to be here until 11:00 pm.
Me: I guess. But in all honesty, I won't get there until after 10:30 either. I've got to get dressed and it takes me about 25 minutes to get there normally.
Worthless Co-Worker: Oh please, will you do this? I don't want to see him tonight, he's really mad.
Me: Whatever, I'll be out.
Worthless Co-Worker: Thank you, thank you....etc.....

8th call: Store Manager......

Store Manager: Did (Worthless Co-Worker) call you?

(See Alicia, I didn't use her name. I put "Worthless Co-Worker" between those two parenthesis. I'm all about honoring my promises.)

Me: Yes she did.
Store Manager: Now I'm really pissed. I told her specifically not to call you. Did she tell you what she did?
Me: Yup. I was just throwing on some clothes to run out there to lock the place up.
Store Manager: No you're not!!
Me: Um, okay.
Store Manager: What did she tell you?
Me: She told me she forgot her key, you were pissed, and she wanted me to come out there so she could go home.
Store Manager: Did she tell you where she called me from?
Me: No, I'm assuming the store though.
Store Manager: You assumed wrong. That silly @#%$&^ called me from her cell phone, from her car, on her way home. This is a termination offense. I told her to get back to the store and wait for me.
Me: Oh man, don't fire her ass.
Store Manager: Are you kidding me? You don't even like her. What the %$#& are you on?
Me: She's great for my blog dude.
Store Manager: Are you serious?
Me: Yup. Just go scare the hell out of her.
Store Manager: I dunno. But you stay home. I'm going in to deal with this.
Me: Okay. I'll call her to let her know she's going to be there for a bit longer then.
Store Manager: Fine.

9th, and final call of the evening.....

Me: Got some bad news for you princess.
Worthless Co-Worker: What?
Me: I can't find my key to the store.
Worthless Co-Worker: You're kidding me, right? You never lose things. You're just trying to make me more miserable aren't you?
Me: Okay, I'm kidding. But.... Store Manager called me right after you did and I'm forbidden to come out there.
Worthless Co-Worker: Are you kidding me?
Me: Nope.
Worthless Co-Worker: Now that pisses me off. Why would he do that? I'm going to let him know exactly what I think about that when he gets here then.
Me: Good luck with that. Not what I'd recommend, but you do what you think is right. I'm getting off the phone now. I've talked to way too many people tonight on the phone as it is. Buh, bye.

At this point I'm assuming she still has a job. That assumption is based on the fact that I'm writing this blog post and not working today had she been fired. It'll be interesting to hear how this panned out though, that's for sure.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

State Of The Blog

This weekend marks a milestone of sorts. (Well, not much of one, but one nonetheless.)

The one month anniversary of this blog will be celebrated this weekend. (I plan on getting the blog quite drunk. Anyone wanna volunteer to be the designated driver in case it needs a ride anywhere?)

But in all seriousness, I'm pleased with how things are going. I've found some great people to follow and add to my blog roll. And the comments left here are a great joy to see, and much appreciated. You guys/gals rock, and stuff.

It's funny how my direction changed in the first week of the blog. I envisioned blogging mostly about political events and throwing a lot of rants around in here. While there are a few of those types of posts, for the most part I've steered away from that and have posted pretty much utter nonsensical posts.

I've discovered a few things in the last month.

Such as:

1) Light and fluffy posts seem to be favored over more serious posts. So I've leaned that way and the majority of the posts in here are light and fluffy, a lot like my award winning pancakes.

(Well, okay, maybe not quite like that. While my posts may be described as light and fluffy affairs, I think my pancake making skills would be better put to use as boat anchors. Anyone who has ate any pancakes I've ever made will probably tell you their asses drag on the ground when walking away from the breakfast table. It's not a pretty sight)

2) As I've blog hopped I've seen a few posts touting the superiority of Wordpress over the Blogger platform. I'm in no position to dispute that. But I'm pleased with the Blogger platform and haven't had any issues using it. And.....

it's free, a cheapskate like me drools over free stuff, especially when it fills the requirements I have.

3) There are a lot of talented people who blog. My blogging efforts pale in comparison to the writing skills and story telling I've run across. Adding my blog to the web is an effort to balance out this phenomenon with the unskilled/untalented drivel I post. I'm that guy people can point at haughtily and they can say their blog is better than this one. And many of them would be spot on.

So in closing this train wreck of a post I want to thank you for taking the time to read this blog. Your perseverance in reading this drivel will be rewarded in your next life. If you're nutty enough to believe in reincarnation I can promise you, at the very least, you won't come back as a roll of toilet paper. My crystal ball is a little too murky to promise anything else. But hey, who wants to be a roll of toilet paper anyway? Nothing good happens to toilet paper.

Ciao for now, I'll leave the blog on for you.