Saturday, September 18, 2010

Just Some Advice For The Young Bucks Out There

Okay you finally got that first date lined up with the girl of your dreams, or at least your current dreams. (And as a father I know exactly what you're dreaming about.)

Now it's time to meet the parents before said such first date. You're probably nervous, and you should be. As a matter of fact you should be "shitting your pants" nervous. But you're probably not bright enough to be quite that nervous.

Meeting the mom isn't usually a big deal. It's dad you have to worry about, because you're about to take "Daddy's Little Girl" out. He hasn't even met you yet but you're the Anti-Christ. You are a loathsome creature only worthy of contempt and mistrust. (And trust me, even if he seems polite, or actually nice to you, you're still a piss ant in his mind.)

Disclaimer: If it's a single parent involved, and it's the mother, I know of several who admirably fill the "dad" role in this situation. Get scared... 'nuff said.

As a father I know you're going to try to make a good impression, if only to please the girl. So you're going to play nice the first time you meet the parents, even if you're not a nice guy. (And don't think for a minute we think you're a nice guy. It's not a fair playing field here and you're not assumed to be nice from the get-go.)

But I am going to actually give you good advice based on personal experience. Just bear with me a moment as I set the stage. For you see I was once in your exact predicament. The father I encountered was polite and seemed nice. These are the guys you have to be the most scared of and on the lookout for.

So I met the parents. They asked what we going to do and were told a movie and pizza. So far, so good, and most importantly no lies. So out the door we go and I'm still alive and feeling pretty good about how the "meet the parents" went. Boy was I in for a surprise.

For you see the girl's father fell into the polite and seemingly nice category. Nothing in my young life had me prepared to match the cunning of this type of guy.

The town we lived in had a theater which showed 3 movies. As we had yet to decide on which movie to watch I asked the girl which movie she'd like to see. (At this point I was like a passenger on the Titanic just mere hours before hitting the iceberg, blissfully asleep before pending doom.)

But asked I did, and of course she knew just the movie she wanted to see. Daddy had seen a preview of one of the movies showing apparently and convinced "Daddy's Little Girl" which one was the best option. Having never heard of the movie I asked her what it was about, and she didn't know, but she was sure Daddy had good taste and wouldn't steer us wrong. (Remember this was the "first" date, the one where you feel a powerful obligation to please the girl. And as a bonus in this instance you also realize this is the ticket to get in the father's good graces by using his recommendation.)

So you readily agree that this is just the movie to see. You're beguiled by the girl and want to make her happy, always with the thought of course of getting into her pants.

The movie in this case was called "Buffalo Rider." Seriously. The entire movie comprised of a guy riding around the wilderness endlessly yapping. I can't tell you what he was yapping about. And the worst thing? We sat through the entire movie. I would repeatedly glance at her and to see if she was enjoying the movie. And I couldn't get a read. I wanted to leave, but feared if she was actually enjoying the movie the first date would be a last date. I just couldn't risk that!

So we sat through this 'effin movie. This soul sucking event managed to depress any thoughts of  getting into the girls pants. My brain was fried and my whole body felt numb. I just wanted to go home. And that's exactly what daddy wanted. Sneaky, cunning bastard anyway.

So don't be fooled young guy. While you're under the illusion you made a good impression on "Daddy" you didn't. While you may not have been considered the Anti-Christ you definitely fell into the piss ant category.


darev2005 said...

My strategy was fairly simple and effective, while it lasted. I just made sure they knew that I worked at a prison and that I was more than willing to make somebody scream in pain if I needed to. It worked for a few years but they all ended up with scumbags in the end. Maybe I should have used a different tactic.

gaijinwife said...

oooh, and you really wanted to see was a horror flick so she would 'leap' into your arms and/or you could at least have a song at the back of the theatre. What a shame :(

darev2005 - if I was a bloke and wanted to see your daughter the very fact that you work/ed at a prison would have scared me any balls off enough to ask her out. Very effective.

Just Plain Tired said...

darev2005 -- Sorry to hear how they ended up.

gaijinwife -- Exactly!! ;)

Technodoll said...

I'm soooo glad those years are long gone, I couldn't survive another round of teenagehood! lol!

Just Plain Tired said...

Technodoll -- Same here, as my youngest is 21. :)

Gail said...

I should have been a SWAT team mom, all my advice and watcing did not work!

Mrs Midnite said...

I am 33 and still fear my dad meeting guys I go out with. Mr Midnite handled it well considering. So its not just the guys us daughters feel the fear too.