It is with a heavy heart that I find myself writing to you today. After perusing the news this morning I see that you and your lovely wife were once again arrested on Saturday. And yes, your wife is indeed lovely, in a Roseanne Barr sort of way.
But seriously Randy, when you sell a property to someone else, you can't move back into it several years after the sale and claim it's yours when the police show up. That's just not how it works. (It's also not a great idea to destroy the property to the tune of $5000 and burglarize it either. It just makes that claim of yours "that you own the property" much less believable.)
Now you add this latest stunt to the list of transgressions over the past couple of years. Ripping off hotels and credit card fraud weren't enough trouble for you?
Oh how the mighty have fallen.
And yes Randy, you were once mighty. I can recall, with tons of satisfaction and pride the transformation you made in the movie "Independence Day." You went from lovable, bumbling drunk to savior of the world! You sacrificed your life to save us.
And now look at you. Apparently you're homeless, which presents another problem for me to deal with Randy. How can I send this letter to someone who's homeless? I assume you made bail so sending the letter to the jail you were held briefly seems fruitless. I dunno. Maybe a friend or relative will see this though and pass on the gist of the letter to you. I'd actually be pretty stoked if your brother Dennis were to came across this and pass on the disappointment I have in you right now.
(I'd be even more stoked though if your former sister-in-law, Meg Ryan, were to actually see this and pass it on to you. I don't see that happening though. I'm sure she's not a huge fan of any Quaid right now. But one can hope, can't they?)
In closing, I at least hope this letter finds you in good health. While it would be a shame to see "the savior of the world" imprisoned, if that were to actually happen after this latest stunt of yours, at least you'd have a permanent residence to send a letter to. That in itself provides me with some semblance of solace Randy.
Take care Randy.
(Oh, and if you do end up with some prison time I've heard its best not to sleep on your stomach in prison. I don't want to hear how "the savior of the world" had to suffer any more... um... indignities, so to speak, in the future.